The last couple weeks have been a bit brutal. About every other day I've had more muscle spasms (what I would now call sudo-panic attacks...partly for lack of any other understanding of what it may be...except that they come when I'm not feeling particularly stressed out). Then on Friday I just straight up got a cold. As frustrating as colds can be, I was somewhat relieved to have an excuse for not being at full energy. (A cold is a little more understandable than saying you're "sick" with muscles spasms and stress.)
It's been hard for me to feel any sense of joy, even in the midst of really amazing things happening all around me. I've felt like a failure in many ways, mainly because of the way I've been responding to stress. It's quite a brutal cycle, really... I get stressed out, don't respond well, and then get really frustrated with myself for giving into anxiety again.
But then I woke up today and, for no real reason in particular, it was like joy had returned. I wracked my brain for all the reasons as to why I should be feeling joyful. I hadn't accomplished anything. The amount of things to do for the week had not diminished in any way. I was still sick. I thought, maybe it was because I had a roommate again. Or because we had a great study in the Word the night before. But, as wonderful as those things are, I don't think that's where the joy came from. I think it was really just a gift from God. When I stopped for a moment to listen to Him today, I heard a small voice saying "That joy is from me." And in return, I smiled, and said "Thank you." :)
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