My dad used to tell me that anyone could teach - you just had to be one chapter ahead of those you were teaching and not necessarily an expert on the material.
I've felt that recently. Except, I haven't felt one chapter ahead. It's been a bit more like three chapters behind. The last couple weeks haven't been my most glamorous moments in ministry. To say the least. I don't know how many times I've walked out of an awkward conversation with a stranger in the dorms or out of counseling a student about their future thinking, Wow. Did I really just say that? and praying that I didn't do more harm than help.
But oddly enough, Jesus has invited me to lead. And it's in this very season of feeling like a complete idiot at times that He has invited me into full time ministry. So what is it, exactly, that He is calling me into? What really makes someone a leader?
I think I can look at the last couple weeks and see it as all a failure. But I am slowly becoming convinced that Jesus sees it as a victory. I can say that I fully understand what it means to take risks and then be flat out rejected. I can say that I've felt disappointment in the depths of my soul. And I can say that I've felt the weight and consequences of my pride and impatience and of my lack of fully understanding the grace and power of my God. And because of that, I can see the Cross a bit more clearly.
Luke 7:47: “I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.”
Yes, the woman with the alabaster jar has much to teach me. In some odd way, the disappointment, the rejection, the feelings of failure - have helped me to love more. Because the more I fall at the feet of Jesus, the more I see how much I desperately need Him. And, in turn, the more I long to love His people.
And so leadership is not being one chapter ahead in the sense that I've done it right and seen it work and now I'm going to pass it on. It's being one chapter ahead in knowing how much I need forgiveness. One chapter ahead in experiencing disappointment. And one chapter ahead in continuing to pour out my life and treasure in worship of Jesus.
Leadership in the Kingdom is not about one godly person raising up the broken. Rather, it's the broken picking up the broken in order to fall together at the feet of Jesus.
Surprises Part II
Jesus is funny.
Someone called me today telling me that they had a delivery of flowers for me, but they needed to confirm my address. My first thought? Oh dear, someone's trying to prank me... or rob me. I'm not going to give out my address to a stranger. So I gave my apartment number, but not the address, and held my breath.
Then the doorbell rang. Who was it? A sweet, old lady, with beautiful flowers in her hands. Mom sent me flowers to celebrate me coming on full time staff.
Ok Jesus. I get it. I'll stop thinking worst-case-scenario and actually let you love me. :)
Someone called me today telling me that they had a delivery of flowers for me, but they needed to confirm my address. My first thought? Oh dear, someone's trying to prank me... or rob me. I'm not going to give out my address to a stranger. So I gave my apartment number, but not the address, and held my breath.
Then the doorbell rang. Who was it? A sweet, old lady, with beautiful flowers in her hands. Mom sent me flowers to celebrate me coming on full time staff.
Ok Jesus. I get it. I'll stop thinking worst-case-scenario and actually let you love me. :)
Surprises
In LaFe the other night, Jennifer drew out this implication from John 4: "When Jesus does something that surprises us, we should ask Him about it. Maybe there is a deeper lesson He has for us."
What has Jesus done that has surprised me lately? Everything. After filling out a 30 page application and going to a full day interview, I received a phone call from Tracey, one of the area directors for Intervarsity. What was I expecting?: "As we consider you for full time staff, we'd like you to go visit these five campuses... There really is no room for you at UCLA. I'm sorry."
What did she actually say? "I would love to invite you to full time staff... at UCLA." Period.
That's it? Really? You're not going to make me go visit five other campuses first? Three months ago, I was told that there are too many staff at UCLA and that I shouldn't even see it as an option. And immediately my heart had sunk. It sunk almost as low as it had when I found out Dad and Desi died. Seriously? No possibility? But this is where I've spent all my time and energy and love for almost 6 years now. And it's just going to be stripped away like that? But I have to consider the big picture. Some campuses have no staff. How selfish of me.
But as much as I tried to separate myself from what I knew - as much as I tried to envision myself anywhere else, I just couldn't. I love this campus. Deeply. And to leave it would be grief. Serious grief.
But now, they're letting me stay.
And then the second surprise came. A conversation about who I might be leading at UCLA. One of the biggest things that broke my heart about having to leave UCLA, was the thought of leaving LaFe. But we just started. We've just gotten momentum. I love them so much. I love Latino students on this campus. How could I say goodbye so quickly?
And so now what did I expect to hear? "We'll let you stay at UCLA, but we don't want you to lead LaFe. You're not Latino. They need a Latino leader. It was good for you for a year, but not longer than that."
But what did they actually say? "It'd be great for you to continue to be a part of the leadership in LaFe next year." Wait. What? Seriously? Who I am to get to continue to lead them?
And then Jesus stopped me. "Why are you so surprised? Why is your first assumption always the worst case scenario? Don't you believe that I want to give good gifts to my children?"
Of course, Jesus....
But no. I don't. Not deep down. What about all those times that you called me to leave the very things I loved so much? Like soccer, and band, and a lead role in a play, and the opportunity to do theater in college? And what about all the people in my life who you've taken away? My boyfriend? Desi? Close friendships? MY DAD???? And what about all the people in my life who are suffering right now? What about those who are hunting for jobs and just not finding them? What about those who would love to do what I'm doing right now but can't, for whatever reason? You don't give good gifts to your kids. Or you might... but then you quickly take them away.
And then Mike's talk came back to me. "We have to see our circumstances in light of who God is, and not the other way around."
What if I've been seeing God wrongly for all these years? He says He delights in giving good gifts to His children. So I have to believe that's true.
No, I am not a cruel God - out to take away everything good. I love you. I want so much more for you. And I've been shaping you all this time for this. To be a part of the movement at UCLA. Kelly - That love you have for this campus and for Latino students...that's from me. And it brings me so much joy to give you more opportunities to do what you were made to do.
Thank you Jesus. That's all I can say. The next five years of my life will be spent here. At UCLA. Loving college students. Living by a weird schedule and in an old apartment with no parking. Spending my evenings with people much younger than myself. Teaching and training and urging others to join the movement. And I have never felt more spoiled. More privileged. More in awe of God.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you!!!
What has Jesus done that has surprised me lately? Everything. After filling out a 30 page application and going to a full day interview, I received a phone call from Tracey, one of the area directors for Intervarsity. What was I expecting?: "As we consider you for full time staff, we'd like you to go visit these five campuses... There really is no room for you at UCLA. I'm sorry."
What did she actually say? "I would love to invite you to full time staff... at UCLA." Period.
That's it? Really? You're not going to make me go visit five other campuses first? Three months ago, I was told that there are too many staff at UCLA and that I shouldn't even see it as an option. And immediately my heart had sunk. It sunk almost as low as it had when I found out Dad and Desi died. Seriously? No possibility? But this is where I've spent all my time and energy and love for almost 6 years now. And it's just going to be stripped away like that? But I have to consider the big picture. Some campuses have no staff. How selfish of me.
But as much as I tried to separate myself from what I knew - as much as I tried to envision myself anywhere else, I just couldn't. I love this campus. Deeply. And to leave it would be grief. Serious grief.
But now, they're letting me stay.
And then the second surprise came. A conversation about who I might be leading at UCLA. One of the biggest things that broke my heart about having to leave UCLA, was the thought of leaving LaFe. But we just started. We've just gotten momentum. I love them so much. I love Latino students on this campus. How could I say goodbye so quickly?
And so now what did I expect to hear? "We'll let you stay at UCLA, but we don't want you to lead LaFe. You're not Latino. They need a Latino leader. It was good for you for a year, but not longer than that."
But what did they actually say? "It'd be great for you to continue to be a part of the leadership in LaFe next year." Wait. What? Seriously? Who I am to get to continue to lead them?
And then Jesus stopped me. "Why are you so surprised? Why is your first assumption always the worst case scenario? Don't you believe that I want to give good gifts to my children?"
Of course, Jesus....
But no. I don't. Not deep down. What about all those times that you called me to leave the very things I loved so much? Like soccer, and band, and a lead role in a play, and the opportunity to do theater in college? And what about all the people in my life who you've taken away? My boyfriend? Desi? Close friendships? MY DAD???? And what about all the people in my life who are suffering right now? What about those who are hunting for jobs and just not finding them? What about those who would love to do what I'm doing right now but can't, for whatever reason? You don't give good gifts to your kids. Or you might... but then you quickly take them away.
And then Mike's talk came back to me. "We have to see our circumstances in light of who God is, and not the other way around."
What if I've been seeing God wrongly for all these years? He says He delights in giving good gifts to His children. So I have to believe that's true.
No, I am not a cruel God - out to take away everything good. I love you. I want so much more for you. And I've been shaping you all this time for this. To be a part of the movement at UCLA. Kelly - That love you have for this campus and for Latino students...that's from me. And it brings me so much joy to give you more opportunities to do what you were made to do.
Thank you Jesus. That's all I can say. The next five years of my life will be spent here. At UCLA. Loving college students. Living by a weird schedule and in an old apartment with no parking. Spending my evenings with people much younger than myself. Teaching and training and urging others to join the movement. And I have never felt more spoiled. More privileged. More in awe of God.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you!!!
Rich Moments
I finally watched the new Star Trek movie tonight. I'm a little embarrassed to say I really liked it. Does that make me a nerd? Probably. My dad loved Star Trek. In fact, after he died and we were cleaning out his desk, we found a Star Trek action figure. I believe when I found it, I rolled my eyes and muttered "Oh dad..." But now I can kind of see why he liked it so much. He was an engineer. A lover of physics. And he delighted in dreaming up worlds that defied all the rules of his text books but yet somehow seemed believable. His childhood dream was to invent a hover board. (Different movie, I know.)
For some reason, in the last month, I've had several rich moments of both delighting in the memory of dad and grieving the loss of him. I sat at our large group meeting a couple weeks ago and saw Jerome for the first time after he came back from sabbatical. The first thought in my head was, Wow...There's so much to tell him. What will I choose to share? How long will it take to catch up? 6 months is a long time. And then, almost immediately, my mind went to my dad. 6 months is a long time. 5 years is even longer. How much has gone by since I talked to dad. So much has happened. How will we possibly catch up on everything? Will I even remember everything once I get to see him again?
And then I heard a gentle voice, Kelly, What would you tell him if he were here?
I would tell him that Wendi's married. And Ben has a girlfriend. I'm applying for full time staff. Did you ever think I'd be in full time ministry dad? You always thought I'd be a writer. Or an actress. Maybe I'll get to do both. :) And I'd tell him that mom's doing ok. She stayed at church like you told her to, and they're treating her well. And I'd tell him about all the spiritual conversations and Bible studies we've had at work. And about all the cross cultural encounters I've had. And how a man just joined our lab from China. Third day there he was studying the Bible! I'd tell him that I've been running a lot... sometimes 6 miles to the beach! I'd tell him I've gotten to give talks about social justice and racial reconciliation and that I'm leading a group of Latino students. You'd be glad for that, huh dad? I'd tell him about all God's been doing in my heart - how He's teaching me how to live healthily and not make work my life. I'd tell him that, when I'm at work, I often think about how he was a witness at his work, and wonder what he would do to love his coworkers.
Jesus, how will I remember it all? It's only been 5 years. What will happen when ten or twenty or fifty years go by? And then, as tears began to fall, I heard the same gentle voice. I will help you remember. But if you want, I'm here with him right now so I can tell him. More tears.
A few days later, the same voice gently spoke again. Kelly, you think you'll have a lot to tell your dad. But think how much we'll have to talk about. And we'll have all eternity to do it.
Back again, in our large group meeting last week, I thought of dad again. As Mike shared his story about his dad, I couldn't help but think of memories of my own. I imagined him tugging on my hair like he always did, bouncing on his toes a little bit in pride and joy, with a small grin on his face. And then Mike talked about how we see God as cruel sometimes, just out to get us. And my heart began to stir. No, I know that's not true. God gave me the best dad ever....
I know I did. In fact, you and your dad are one of my most beautiful creations. I'm so pleased with that.
And then the anger came. Well then, why did you take him away? Why did you have to take him away, God? If it was a beautiful creation, why did you destroy it? More tears.
And then Mike continued. But we have to see our circumstances in light of who God is and not the other way around. Ok, God. I know you're good. I DO know that. I know. I know.... You're good. Help my unbelief.
Rich. Yes, I do believe that's the best word to describe these moments. Not all painful. Not all filled with anger. Not all joyful. But rich.
For some reason, in the last month, I've had several rich moments of both delighting in the memory of dad and grieving the loss of him. I sat at our large group meeting a couple weeks ago and saw Jerome for the first time after he came back from sabbatical. The first thought in my head was, Wow...There's so much to tell him. What will I choose to share? How long will it take to catch up? 6 months is a long time. And then, almost immediately, my mind went to my dad. 6 months is a long time. 5 years is even longer. How much has gone by since I talked to dad. So much has happened. How will we possibly catch up on everything? Will I even remember everything once I get to see him again?
And then I heard a gentle voice, Kelly, What would you tell him if he were here?
I would tell him that Wendi's married. And Ben has a girlfriend. I'm applying for full time staff. Did you ever think I'd be in full time ministry dad? You always thought I'd be a writer. Or an actress. Maybe I'll get to do both. :) And I'd tell him that mom's doing ok. She stayed at church like you told her to, and they're treating her well. And I'd tell him about all the spiritual conversations and Bible studies we've had at work. And about all the cross cultural encounters I've had. And how a man just joined our lab from China. Third day there he was studying the Bible! I'd tell him that I've been running a lot... sometimes 6 miles to the beach! I'd tell him I've gotten to give talks about social justice and racial reconciliation and that I'm leading a group of Latino students. You'd be glad for that, huh dad? I'd tell him about all God's been doing in my heart - how He's teaching me how to live healthily and not make work my life. I'd tell him that, when I'm at work, I often think about how he was a witness at his work, and wonder what he would do to love his coworkers.
Jesus, how will I remember it all? It's only been 5 years. What will happen when ten or twenty or fifty years go by? And then, as tears began to fall, I heard the same gentle voice. I will help you remember. But if you want, I'm here with him right now so I can tell him. More tears.
A few days later, the same voice gently spoke again. Kelly, you think you'll have a lot to tell your dad. But think how much we'll have to talk about. And we'll have all eternity to do it.
Back again, in our large group meeting last week, I thought of dad again. As Mike shared his story about his dad, I couldn't help but think of memories of my own. I imagined him tugging on my hair like he always did, bouncing on his toes a little bit in pride and joy, with a small grin on his face. And then Mike talked about how we see God as cruel sometimes, just out to get us. And my heart began to stir. No, I know that's not true. God gave me the best dad ever....
I know I did. In fact, you and your dad are one of my most beautiful creations. I'm so pleased with that.
And then the anger came. Well then, why did you take him away? Why did you have to take him away, God? If it was a beautiful creation, why did you destroy it? More tears.
And then Mike continued. But we have to see our circumstances in light of who God is and not the other way around. Ok, God. I know you're good. I DO know that. I know. I know.... You're good. Help my unbelief.
Rich. Yes, I do believe that's the best word to describe these moments. Not all painful. Not all filled with anger. Not all joyful. But rich.