So, the doctor called and said that my blood is fine. She tested for a bunch of different things and it all looks good. She said my cholesterol is way low and I'm really healthy.
I should've been really glad to hear this news but, as she was telling it to me, I could hardly hold the phone because my arm was shaking again. So it just left me really frustrated.
She said to wait a couple weeks. If it's still going, she'll have me do some tests to see if it's in my brain. Though I'm pretty confident that that's not the case. It probably is all just in my head though...psychologically speaking. But that makes me feel worse. Thus...my previous entry.
An Honest Prayer
Why is it
When I look at the bruises on my arms
I pray that they'll stay -
rather than "make them go away!" -
so that I can convey
to the world
that I am in pain?
Why is it
when the doctor says I'm fine
that my blood is pure
and that I can be sure
that I am well -
I say
I'd rather be sick?
Because if it was true
that something was wrong
than at least I could say
that my pain is real -
that my shaking is not just some
make- shift attempt to call
out for attention - to say
"Look at me!"
But indeed, I could say
I'm legit.
Why is it
that I cry out to Jesus
saying "Make it quit!"
But when he asks me the question
"Would you like to get well?"
A part of my soul just holds back?
I can't, I can't
say yes.
Why is it
that when I've been given the source
of freedom
from all fear and anxious living - the key
to see with eyes opened-
the strength to move mountains -
the secret to joy forever...
I can't, I can't
take it?
Instead, I'd rather
stay in what I know.
Can't I just be paralyzed forever?
'38 years I've sat by this pool'
and I'd be a fool
to change now.
Walk? Are you crazy?
Naw, Jesus, I'm cool.
But I want - I want
to choose life.
I hear of this freedom -
a new way of living -
with my eyes off myself
and my feet running forward.
I DO want it.
I want, I want
to choose joy.
But Jesus I know -
I can't do it on my own.
The real miracle would be
not some quick healing
but that I'd find the ability
to say from the depths of my soul
and honestly pray
that I want
to be made well.
Faith over fear.
Joy over sadness.
Hope over hopelessness.
Peace over anxiousness.
Life over death.
I want, I want
this.
And Jesus- that part of my
soul that say no - that is
what proves I am sick.
And it is that
that I need you to cure.
So Jesus - as much as I can tell
my soul cries out -
make me well!
Amen.
When I look at the bruises on my arms
I pray that they'll stay -
rather than "make them go away!" -
so that I can convey
to the world
that I am in pain?
Why is it
when the doctor says I'm fine
that my blood is pure
and that I can be sure
that I am well -
I say
I'd rather be sick?
Because if it was true
that something was wrong
than at least I could say
that my pain is real -
that my shaking is not just some
make- shift attempt to call
out for attention - to say
"Look at me!"
But indeed, I could say
I'm legit.
Why is it
that I cry out to Jesus
saying "Make it quit!"
But when he asks me the question
"Would you like to get well?"
A part of my soul just holds back?
I can't, I can't
say yes.
Why is it
that when I've been given the source
of freedom
from all fear and anxious living - the key
to see with eyes opened-
the strength to move mountains -
the secret to joy forever...
I can't, I can't
take it?
Instead, I'd rather
stay in what I know.
Can't I just be paralyzed forever?
'38 years I've sat by this pool'
and I'd be a fool
to change now.
Walk? Are you crazy?
Naw, Jesus, I'm cool.
But I want - I want
to choose life.
I hear of this freedom -
a new way of living -
with my eyes off myself
and my feet running forward.
I DO want it.
I want, I want
to choose joy.
But Jesus I know -
I can't do it on my own.
The real miracle would be
not some quick healing
but that I'd find the ability
to say from the depths of my soul
and honestly pray
that I want
to be made well.
Faith over fear.
Joy over sadness.
Hope over hopelessness.
Peace over anxiousness.
Life over death.
I want, I want
this.
And Jesus- that part of my
soul that say no - that is
what proves I am sick.
And it is that
that I need you to cure.
So Jesus - as much as I can tell
my soul cries out -
make me well!
Amen.
Faced my greatest fear...
The doctor.
I'm not sure why I'm so terrified of the doctor, but I really am. I finally went today to find out what the heck is wrong with me.
And, I'm actually really grateful, because the first doctor I talked to was a Christian, so when she asked me all these questions about what's going on in my life now, it was a lot easier to explain. And she was actually filled with a ton of compassion and understanding. Sometimes that's all I want. Someone to acknowledge your pain and make you feel normal for experiencing it.
But then the hard part... They said I needed a shot and that they were going to take my blood to run some tests. Not horrible, right? Well, it took about 10 tries, 3 nurses, and 1 hour, before they were able to find my vein. In fact, they found it once, but then said it was no good because the blood was doing something funny. So it was back to ground zero. They were ready to refer me to the hospital to see a specialist, but then the third nurse was finally able to do it. Now I've got bandaids up and down my arms and a lot of bruises.
I guess you could say my fears were validated. :)
But, I'm also feeling very relieved. Now they can tell me if there is actually something wrong - if I'm lacking a vitamin or something. She said that if the shaking continues in about another 3 weeks, then she'll have me do some neurological exams, but we'll wait to see the blood tests first.
Anyways, pray that nothing too crazy is wrong with me and that, if there is, they'll figure it out. :)
I'm not sure why I'm so terrified of the doctor, but I really am. I finally went today to find out what the heck is wrong with me.
And, I'm actually really grateful, because the first doctor I talked to was a Christian, so when she asked me all these questions about what's going on in my life now, it was a lot easier to explain. And she was actually filled with a ton of compassion and understanding. Sometimes that's all I want. Someone to acknowledge your pain and make you feel normal for experiencing it.
But then the hard part... They said I needed a shot and that they were going to take my blood to run some tests. Not horrible, right? Well, it took about 10 tries, 3 nurses, and 1 hour, before they were able to find my vein. In fact, they found it once, but then said it was no good because the blood was doing something funny. So it was back to ground zero. They were ready to refer me to the hospital to see a specialist, but then the third nurse was finally able to do it. Now I've got bandaids up and down my arms and a lot of bruises.
I guess you could say my fears were validated. :)
But, I'm also feeling very relieved. Now they can tell me if there is actually something wrong - if I'm lacking a vitamin or something. She said that if the shaking continues in about another 3 weeks, then she'll have me do some neurological exams, but we'll wait to see the blood tests first.
Anyways, pray that nothing too crazy is wrong with me and that, if there is, they'll figure it out. :)
A Precious Moment
In LaFe the other night, I asked everyone to turn to their neighbor and tell them how Jesus has been good to them. I turned to my neighbor and before I could realize what was going on, she was in tears.
It was simply her genuine response to the question. Jesus had been so good to her to the point that she was sent to tears of joy and amazement.
And something in my heart stirred. Yeah. That's right. Jesus is so good. And he deserves that kind of worship.
It was simply her genuine response to the question. Jesus had been so good to her to the point that she was sent to tears of joy and amazement.
And something in my heart stirred. Yeah. That's right. Jesus is so good. And he deserves that kind of worship.
Oh For Some Normalcy. Part 2
I never have anything wrong with me that's normal.
Never a stomach flu or a broken leg or a migraine. It's always something odd that the doctors have no explanation for.
I get to be the one with a wart that feels like glass in my foot, or an extremely painful ingrown hair, or arthritis due to a shuffle board puck being flung at my ankle.
And now it's this random shaking and muscle twitching that I just can't stop. About every other day now, one of my limbs will start shaking uncontrollably for at least 30 minutes to a couple hours. It's ok if it happens when I'm lying down, but when I'm trying to edit a figure or lead a meeting for 20 students, or counsel someone as they pour out their soul, it's rather inconvenient.
I wish I could just brush it off and say it'll go away with time. I wish I could say it doesn't worry me and that I'm probably just over dramatic and starved for attention. But there's something that turns in my stomach every time it happens and makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me.
I frankly don't know what to do about it anymore or what to think. I guess I'll just keep praying.
Never a stomach flu or a broken leg or a migraine. It's always something odd that the doctors have no explanation for.
I get to be the one with a wart that feels like glass in my foot, or an extremely painful ingrown hair, or arthritis due to a shuffle board puck being flung at my ankle.
And now it's this random shaking and muscle twitching that I just can't stop. About every other day now, one of my limbs will start shaking uncontrollably for at least 30 minutes to a couple hours. It's ok if it happens when I'm lying down, but when I'm trying to edit a figure or lead a meeting for 20 students, or counsel someone as they pour out their soul, it's rather inconvenient.
I wish I could just brush it off and say it'll go away with time. I wish I could say it doesn't worry me and that I'm probably just over dramatic and starved for attention. But there's something that turns in my stomach every time it happens and makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me.
I frankly don't know what to do about it anymore or what to think. I guess I'll just keep praying.
Oh For Some Normalcy
Nothing in my life is normal.
My work consists of formatting figures and editing scientific documents that mean absolutely nothing to me. I spend my lunch times trying to explain to the international students and postdocs why I spend my every waking minute with college students and why I'm so crazy about following Jesus.
I then take a thirty minute break and walk to the dorms where I have to explain why I'm graduated yet still on campus all the time. Then I lead a Bible study for Latino students and say multiple times that, yes, I'm white, but I still desire to lead them and learn from them.
I have multiple conversations a day about the deeper "issues" in our lives and attempt to interpret where God might be in the midst of all of that.
I live in an apartment that's half falling apart, but is also used to host multiple events, sometimes more than one a day. I eat and live as if I have a family here, each taking turns to cook - which is really wonderful sometimes but is definitely not void of complications and "family problems."
I ride my neighbor's bicycle to church on Sundays and attempt to make friends. All of them so far happen to be African American. Most of the time I feel extremely comfortable with them but when I talk about how I'm leading a Latino Bible study or how I live off a part time salary in order to spend all my evenings with college students, it dawns on me again... My life is not normal.
And to be honest, sometimes, I just wish I had a little normalcy. Oh how lovely it could be to come home from work and watch TV and not worry about anything other than bills and dishes. Or to hang out with friends my age and go clubbing on Friday nights.
But then, in the midst of such a fleeting daydream, I shake myself awake and think, No. I wouldn't have my life any other way... ;)
My work consists of formatting figures and editing scientific documents that mean absolutely nothing to me. I spend my lunch times trying to explain to the international students and postdocs why I spend my every waking minute with college students and why I'm so crazy about following Jesus.
I then take a thirty minute break and walk to the dorms where I have to explain why I'm graduated yet still on campus all the time. Then I lead a Bible study for Latino students and say multiple times that, yes, I'm white, but I still desire to lead them and learn from them.
I have multiple conversations a day about the deeper "issues" in our lives and attempt to interpret where God might be in the midst of all of that.
I live in an apartment that's half falling apart, but is also used to host multiple events, sometimes more than one a day. I eat and live as if I have a family here, each taking turns to cook - which is really wonderful sometimes but is definitely not void of complications and "family problems."
I ride my neighbor's bicycle to church on Sundays and attempt to make friends. All of them so far happen to be African American. Most of the time I feel extremely comfortable with them but when I talk about how I'm leading a Latino Bible study or how I live off a part time salary in order to spend all my evenings with college students, it dawns on me again... My life is not normal.
And to be honest, sometimes, I just wish I had a little normalcy. Oh how lovely it could be to come home from work and watch TV and not worry about anything other than bills and dishes. Or to hang out with friends my age and go clubbing on Friday nights.
But then, in the midst of such a fleeting daydream, I shake myself awake and think, No. I wouldn't have my life any other way... ;)
Joy has returned
The last couple weeks have been a bit brutal. About every other day I've had more muscle spasms (what I would now call sudo-panic attacks...partly for lack of any other understanding of what it may be...except that they come when I'm not feeling particularly stressed out). Then on Friday I just straight up got a cold. As frustrating as colds can be, I was somewhat relieved to have an excuse for not being at full energy. (A cold is a little more understandable than saying you're "sick" with muscles spasms and stress.)
It's been hard for me to feel any sense of joy, even in the midst of really amazing things happening all around me. I've felt like a failure in many ways, mainly because of the way I've been responding to stress. It's quite a brutal cycle, really... I get stressed out, don't respond well, and then get really frustrated with myself for giving into anxiety again.
But then I woke up today and, for no real reason in particular, it was like joy had returned. I wracked my brain for all the reasons as to why I should be feeling joyful. I hadn't accomplished anything. The amount of things to do for the week had not diminished in any way. I was still sick. I thought, maybe it was because I had a roommate again. Or because we had a great study in the Word the night before. But, as wonderful as those things are, I don't think that's where the joy came from. I think it was really just a gift from God. When I stopped for a moment to listen to Him today, I heard a small voice saying "That joy is from me." And in return, I smiled, and said "Thank you." :)
It's been hard for me to feel any sense of joy, even in the midst of really amazing things happening all around me. I've felt like a failure in many ways, mainly because of the way I've been responding to stress. It's quite a brutal cycle, really... I get stressed out, don't respond well, and then get really frustrated with myself for giving into anxiety again.
But then I woke up today and, for no real reason in particular, it was like joy had returned. I wracked my brain for all the reasons as to why I should be feeling joyful. I hadn't accomplished anything. The amount of things to do for the week had not diminished in any way. I was still sick. I thought, maybe it was because I had a roommate again. Or because we had a great study in the Word the night before. But, as wonderful as those things are, I don't think that's where the joy came from. I think it was really just a gift from God. When I stopped for a moment to listen to Him today, I heard a small voice saying "That joy is from me." And in return, I smiled, and said "Thank you." :)