My 4th grade teacher has been telling me recently that I've always been an overachiever. I think she means it as a compliment, but it's really not something I'm proud of.
I've tried so hard to be on top of things this summer, and yet, it doesn't seem like it's done anything. I'm still rushing to pull stuff off at the last minute. There's always something more to do. Always something more to think about. Always something to be perfected.
I fear that I'm growing a stubborn and bitter heart in the midst of it. Something in me says "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to obey. I don't want to work. I'm tired." But then I wonder who it is that has been telling me to do the work in the first place. God? My boss? My self? I don't know. But whoever is telling me to keep doing, everything in me wants to tell him I quit. Because it's never good enough.
Perhaps I have an extremely twisted view of God and what He requires of me. Or perhaps He is telling me things to obey and I'm just rebellious and don't want to. Maybe a combination of both. All I know is I'm confused. I'm tired. And something needs to change.
Father, help me.
1 comments:
I think sometimes we know how big God is and how much he can do, and when we feel like we are following is will, it's almost like we are expected to be BIG, and DO so much. but you have to remember to view the two separately. you are you. and God is God. God works through you, you are not responsible for how BIG, or perfect, or how much God does. just be you, and obey. try to look at each step of a project your working on individually and one piece at a time be proud of it, and accept it, and view it as finished and the best you gave towards it. make every piece "finished" and "at rest" before you move on to the next, that will help you not feel that it's inadequate or to feel frazzled at the end. you'll feel a sense of accomplishment and finality, and finally rest. :) I have no idea what I just said but I felt I should say it. lol HUG!
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