Surprises

In LaFe the other night, Jennifer drew out this implication from John 4: "When Jesus does something that surprises us, we should ask Him about it. Maybe there is a deeper lesson He has for us."

What has Jesus done that has surprised me lately? Everything. After filling out a 30 page application and going to a full day interview, I received a phone call from Tracey, one of the area directors for Intervarsity. What was I expecting?: "As we consider you for full time staff, we'd like you to go visit these five campuses... There really is no room for you at UCLA. I'm sorry."

What did she actually say? "I would love to invite you to full time staff... at UCLA." Period.

That's it? Really? You're not going to make me go visit five other campuses first? Three months ago, I was told that there are too many staff at UCLA and that I shouldn't even see it as an option. And immediately my heart had sunk. It sunk almost as low as it had when I found out Dad and Desi died. Seriously? No possibility? But this is where I've spent all my time and energy and love for almost 6 years now. And it's just going to be stripped away like that? But I have to consider the big picture. Some campuses have no staff. How selfish of me.

But as much as I tried to separate myself from what I knew - as much as I tried to envision myself anywhere else, I just couldn't. I love this campus. Deeply. And to leave it would be grief. Serious grief.

But now, they're letting me stay.

And then the second surprise came. A conversation about who I might be leading at UCLA. One of the biggest things that broke my heart about having to leave UCLA, was the thought of leaving LaFe. But we just started. We've just gotten momentum. I love them so much. I love Latino students on this campus. How could I say goodbye so quickly?

And so now what did I expect to hear? "We'll let you stay at UCLA, but we don't want you to lead LaFe. You're not Latino. They need a Latino leader. It was good for you for a year, but not longer than that."

But what did they actually say? "It'd be great for you to continue to be a part of the leadership in LaFe next year." Wait. What? Seriously? Who I am to get to continue to lead them?

And then Jesus stopped me. "Why are you so surprised? Why is your first assumption always the worst case scenario? Don't you believe that I want to give good gifts to my children?"

Of course, Jesus....

But no. I don't. Not deep down. What about all those times that you called me to leave the very things I loved so much? Like soccer, and band, and a lead role in a play, and the opportunity to do theater in college? And what about all the people in my life who you've taken away? My boyfriend? Desi? Close friendships? MY DAD???? And what about all the people in my life who are suffering right now? What about those who are hunting for jobs and just not finding them? What about those who would love to do what I'm doing right now but can't, for whatever reason? You don't give good gifts to your kids. Or you might... but then you quickly take them away.

And then Mike's talk came back to me. "We have to see our circumstances in light of who God is, and not the other way around."

What if I've been seeing God wrongly for all these years? He says He delights in giving good gifts to His children. So I have to believe that's true.

No, I am not a cruel God - out to take away everything good. I love you. I want so much more for you. And I've been shaping you all this time for this. To be a part of the movement at UCLA. Kelly - That love you have for this campus and for Latino students...that's from me. And it brings me so much joy to give you more opportunities to do what you were made to do.

Thank you Jesus. That's all I can say. The next five years of my life will be spent here. At UCLA. Loving college students. Living by a weird schedule and in an old apartment with no parking. Spending my evenings with people much younger than myself. Teaching and training and urging others to join the movement. And I have never felt more spoiled. More privileged. More in awe of God.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you!!!