Rich Moments

I finally watched the new Star Trek movie tonight. I'm a little embarrassed to say I really liked it. Does that make me a nerd? Probably. My dad loved Star Trek. In fact, after he died and we were cleaning out his desk, we found a Star Trek action figure. I believe when I found it, I rolled my eyes and muttered "Oh dad..." But now I can kind of see why he liked it so much. He was an engineer. A lover of physics. And he delighted in dreaming up worlds that defied all the rules of his text books but yet somehow seemed believable. His childhood dream was to invent a hover board. (Different movie, I know.)

For some reason, in the last month, I've had several rich moments of both delighting in the memory of dad and grieving the loss of him. I sat at our large group meeting a couple weeks ago and saw Jerome for the first time after he came back from sabbatical. The first thought in my head was, Wow...There's so much to tell him. What will I choose to share? How long will it take to catch up? 6 months is a long time. And then, almost immediately, my mind went to my dad. 6 months is a long time. 5 years is even longer. How much has gone by since I talked to dad. So much has happened. How will we possibly catch up on everything? Will I even remember everything once I get to see him again?

And then I heard a gentle voice, Kelly, What would you tell him if he were here?

I would tell him that Wendi's married. And Ben has a girlfriend. I'm applying for full time staff. Did you ever think I'd be in full time ministry dad? You always thought I'd be a writer. Or an actress. Maybe I'll get to do both. :) And I'd tell him that mom's doing ok. She stayed at church like you told her to, and they're treating her well. And I'd tell him about all the spiritual conversations and Bible studies we've had at work. And about all the cross cultural encounters I've had. And how a man just joined our lab from China. Third day there he was studying the Bible! I'd tell him that I've been running a lot... sometimes 6 miles to the beach! I'd tell him I've gotten to give talks about social justice and racial reconciliation and that I'm leading a group of Latino students. You'd be glad for that, huh dad? I'd tell him about all God's been doing in my heart - how He's teaching me how to live healthily and not make work my life. I'd tell him that, when I'm at work, I often think about how he was a witness at his work, and wonder what he would do to love his coworkers.

Jesus, how will I remember it all? It's only been 5 years. What will happen when ten or twenty or fifty years go by? And then, as tears began to fall, I heard the same gentle voice. I will help you remember. But if you want, I'm here with him right now so I can tell him. More tears.

A few days later, the same voice gently spoke again. Kelly, you think you'll have a lot to tell your dad. But think how much we'll have to talk about. And we'll have all eternity to do it.

Back again, in our large group meeting last week, I thought of dad again. As Mike shared his story about his dad, I couldn't help but think of memories of my own. I imagined him tugging on my hair like he always did, bouncing on his toes a little bit in pride and joy, with a small grin on his face. And then Mike talked about how we see God as cruel sometimes, just out to get us. And my heart began to stir. No, I know that's not true. God gave me the best dad ever....

I know I did. In fact, you and your dad are one of my most beautiful creations. I'm so pleased with that.

And then the anger came. Well then, why did you take him away? Why did you have to take him away, God? If it was a beautiful creation, why did you destroy it? More tears.

And then Mike continued. But we have to see our circumstances in light of who God is and not the other way around. Ok, God. I know you're good. I DO know that. I know. I know.... You're good. Help my unbelief.

Rich. Yes, I do believe that's the best word to describe these moments. Not all painful. Not all filled with anger. Not all joyful. But rich.