One line in Henry Nouwen's article "The Spirituality of Fundraising" particulary stuck out to me tonight: "Many rich people struggle with a sense of being used."
I feel like that sometimes. Not used for my money, but for my work. And I wonder: Do people love me just because I'll listen to them? Because I'll pray for them? Or because I'll get the job done and work really hard?
And I imagine much of our world feels this way...at least much of the western world. That's why we long for relationships - for people who will love us even when our actions prove to be totally worthless.
I suppose this must be how God feels most of the time. Even as I look at my overflowing jar of thankfulness, most of my little colored pieces of paper say something like "You provided more money today" or "You gave me favor with certain people" or even "You're making me into a bolder person." But almost none of them start with "God...you are..." And I wonder how that makes him feel. Sure enough, when I see less happening around me, I forget to put my little "thank-you"s in my jar.
God, why is it so hard for me to throw the business aside and just to sit on your lap and remember that you are my Papa and I am your daughter? I want to love you for just that...all the time. Whether or not I see you working. Because that's what real love is.
Jehovah-Rohi?
Two years ago, I asked the question, "Is God actually the Provider?" Do I believe in Jehovah-Jireh? The thought haunted me: How can I ask God to provide me a job and believe He will when so many are out of jobs these days? When there are millions dying of starvation? And then I saw Him provide...abundantly...beyond what I could ever have hoped for. And now I'm seeing Him do it again...and again...and again. Do I believe in Jehovah-Jireh? Absolutely.
But now a second question plagues me: Do I believe in Jehovah-Rohi? The Shepherd? Sure, I believe in a God who leads you alongside peaceful waters...But what about the God who tackles bears and wolves to protect his sheep? What about God the Protector?
Where was God during the abuse that happened so long ago? Where was He when Tracey was mugged a couple weeks ago and literally beaten? Where was He when Nancy went missing on her morning run yesterday and is still yet to be found? Where is He every day when so many girls are forced into prostitution? I know theologically why. I can give a beautiful answer explaining that's there's still evil in the world and God is bringing his plan of redemption. I know that we can't let circumstances dictate who God is.
But deep down in my soul there is unbelief. And God is raising it to the surface.
30 minutes of silence in the botanical garden. Of sitting with my arms crossed and tears in my eyes with no more words left to say. And what response did I get? Just one:
"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in this world" (1 John 4:4). Papa, help me believe it. Amen.
But now a second question plagues me: Do I believe in Jehovah-Rohi? The Shepherd? Sure, I believe in a God who leads you alongside peaceful waters...But what about the God who tackles bears and wolves to protect his sheep? What about God the Protector?
Where was God during the abuse that happened so long ago? Where was He when Tracey was mugged a couple weeks ago and literally beaten? Where was He when Nancy went missing on her morning run yesterday and is still yet to be found? Where is He every day when so many girls are forced into prostitution? I know theologically why. I can give a beautiful answer explaining that's there's still evil in the world and God is bringing his plan of redemption. I know that we can't let circumstances dictate who God is.
But deep down in my soul there is unbelief. And God is raising it to the surface.
30 minutes of silence in the botanical garden. Of sitting with my arms crossed and tears in my eyes with no more words left to say. And what response did I get? Just one:
"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in this world" (1 John 4:4). Papa, help me believe it. Amen.
My cup overflows...
...or at least it will be soon. :) I took a jar and started filling it with little pieces of paper on which I write things I am grateful for every day. And, only after a couple weeks, it is almost overflowing.
I am seriously so overjoyed for so many reasons. God has been so good to me. "You prepare a feast before me...My cup overflows with blessings..." Psalm 23:5
I think I need a bigger jar. :)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
"My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." John 10:10
I don't have much eloquent to say except that I am completely in love with Jesus. I sometimes don't say it for fear of sounding corny but I really am. He has truly given me a rich and satisfying life. And as I go out and tell people about my work with Intervarsity, I realize that it has never been an organization or a way of life that fills me with so much joy. It has always been Jesus. He has given me life. Not one disguised with fake happiness or neglected emotions, but a life that is real and deep and rich. I would NEVER trade it for anything else.
More on this to come...
I don't have much eloquent to say except that I am completely in love with Jesus. I sometimes don't say it for fear of sounding corny but I really am. He has truly given me a rich and satisfying life. And as I go out and tell people about my work with Intervarsity, I realize that it has never been an organization or a way of life that fills me with so much joy. It has always been Jesus. He has given me life. Not one disguised with fake happiness or neglected emotions, but a life that is real and deep and rich. I would NEVER trade it for anything else.
More on this to come...