One line in Henry Nouwen's article "The Spirituality of Fundraising" particulary stuck out to me tonight: "Many rich people struggle with a sense of being used."
I feel like that sometimes. Not used for my money, but for my work. And I wonder: Do people love me just because I'll listen to them? Because I'll pray for them? Or because I'll get the job done and work really hard?
And I imagine much of our world feels this way...at least much of the western world. That's why we long for relationships - for people who will love us even when our actions prove to be totally worthless.
I suppose this must be how God feels most of the time. Even as I look at my overflowing jar of thankfulness, most of my little colored pieces of paper say something like "You provided more money today" or "You gave me favor with certain people" or even "You're making me into a bolder person." But almost none of them start with "God...you are..." And I wonder how that makes him feel. Sure enough, when I see less happening around me, I forget to put my little "thank-you"s in my jar.
God, why is it so hard for me to throw the business aside and just to sit on your lap and remember that you are my Papa and I am your daughter? I want to love you for just that...all the time. Whether or not I see you working. Because that's what real love is.
Jehovah-Rohi?
Two years ago, I asked the question, "Is God actually the Provider?" Do I believe in Jehovah-Jireh? The thought haunted me: How can I ask God to provide me a job and believe He will when so many are out of jobs these days? When there are millions dying of starvation? And then I saw Him provide...abundantly...beyond what I could ever have hoped for. And now I'm seeing Him do it again...and again...and again. Do I believe in Jehovah-Jireh? Absolutely.
But now a second question plagues me: Do I believe in Jehovah-Rohi? The Shepherd? Sure, I believe in a God who leads you alongside peaceful waters...But what about the God who tackles bears and wolves to protect his sheep? What about God the Protector?
Where was God during the abuse that happened so long ago? Where was He when Tracey was mugged a couple weeks ago and literally beaten? Where was He when Nancy went missing on her morning run yesterday and is still yet to be found? Where is He every day when so many girls are forced into prostitution? I know theologically why. I can give a beautiful answer explaining that's there's still evil in the world and God is bringing his plan of redemption. I know that we can't let circumstances dictate who God is.
But deep down in my soul there is unbelief. And God is raising it to the surface.
30 minutes of silence in the botanical garden. Of sitting with my arms crossed and tears in my eyes with no more words left to say. And what response did I get? Just one:
"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in this world" (1 John 4:4). Papa, help me believe it. Amen.
But now a second question plagues me: Do I believe in Jehovah-Rohi? The Shepherd? Sure, I believe in a God who leads you alongside peaceful waters...But what about the God who tackles bears and wolves to protect his sheep? What about God the Protector?
Where was God during the abuse that happened so long ago? Where was He when Tracey was mugged a couple weeks ago and literally beaten? Where was He when Nancy went missing on her morning run yesterday and is still yet to be found? Where is He every day when so many girls are forced into prostitution? I know theologically why. I can give a beautiful answer explaining that's there's still evil in the world and God is bringing his plan of redemption. I know that we can't let circumstances dictate who God is.
But deep down in my soul there is unbelief. And God is raising it to the surface.
30 minutes of silence in the botanical garden. Of sitting with my arms crossed and tears in my eyes with no more words left to say. And what response did I get? Just one:
"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in this world" (1 John 4:4). Papa, help me believe it. Amen.
My cup overflows...
...or at least it will be soon. :) I took a jar and started filling it with little pieces of paper on which I write things I am grateful for every day. And, only after a couple weeks, it is almost overflowing.
I am seriously so overjoyed for so many reasons. God has been so good to me. "You prepare a feast before me...My cup overflows with blessings..." Psalm 23:5
I think I need a bigger jar. :)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
"My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." John 10:10
I don't have much eloquent to say except that I am completely in love with Jesus. I sometimes don't say it for fear of sounding corny but I really am. He has truly given me a rich and satisfying life. And as I go out and tell people about my work with Intervarsity, I realize that it has never been an organization or a way of life that fills me with so much joy. It has always been Jesus. He has given me life. Not one disguised with fake happiness or neglected emotions, but a life that is real and deep and rich. I would NEVER trade it for anything else.
More on this to come...
I don't have much eloquent to say except that I am completely in love with Jesus. I sometimes don't say it for fear of sounding corny but I really am. He has truly given me a rich and satisfying life. And as I go out and tell people about my work with Intervarsity, I realize that it has never been an organization or a way of life that fills me with so much joy. It has always been Jesus. He has given me life. Not one disguised with fake happiness or neglected emotions, but a life that is real and deep and rich. I would NEVER trade it for anything else.
More on this to come...
I got a bag.
I received an email in my inbox at the beginning of the week that said "Happy Lab Week. You are appreciated." Something lit up inside of me. Oo! They're going to give me free stuff! Last year they gave me a meal ticket and a gift card to the bookstore...I wonder what it'll be this year... And that little spark of joy and anticipation stayed with me the next few days.
Today I had a conversation in the lunch room with a woman who was telling me about her research. "It's difficult...because you work and work and work and you hardly ever end up with the results you want."
Oo...chord within me has been struck. That's exactly it. That's exactly how I've been feeling for a while now. Nothing I do is going to give me immediate results and most often not the results that I'm anticipating. With every process of fundraising, there is more waiting. And fifty appointments does not necessarily equal lots of money. And as I hope and long to see real transformation in the lives of college students and of my coworkers and of my family...quick results are pretty much unheard of. In fact, real transformation cannot fully be evaluated until some twenty or thirty years have gone by.
But everything in me says that that's not the way it should work. Since childhood I've been raised with a narrative that goes something like this: You work hard = You reap the benefits. You are lazy = You reap the consequences. You study well = You get the satisfaction of seeing "A"s on your report card. You do a good job at work = You get a...
A bag?? I half chuckled to myself as I went down to pick up my "appreciation" gift. A mass manufactured black insulated bag with "Pathology and Laboratory Medicine" printed on the front. Oh! How much I had looked forward to receiving something that said I was appreciated for my work. (And don't get me wrong...I'm thankful for the bag). But now what will become of it? It will probably sit in our apartment for years, adding to the pile of random objects in our already overflowing closet.
I found myself telling my friend in the lunch room "But think of how meaningful your research really is. We may never see the full effect of it...maybe not till 100 years down the road...But just think of how many lives might someday be saved because of your grueling work."
And a voice popped into my head. "Those words were meant for you." Hmm.... I guess I'll prefer the wait.
Today I had a conversation in the lunch room with a woman who was telling me about her research. "It's difficult...because you work and work and work and you hardly ever end up with the results you want."
Oo...chord within me has been struck. That's exactly it. That's exactly how I've been feeling for a while now. Nothing I do is going to give me immediate results and most often not the results that I'm anticipating. With every process of fundraising, there is more waiting. And fifty appointments does not necessarily equal lots of money. And as I hope and long to see real transformation in the lives of college students and of my coworkers and of my family...quick results are pretty much unheard of. In fact, real transformation cannot fully be evaluated until some twenty or thirty years have gone by.
But everything in me says that that's not the way it should work. Since childhood I've been raised with a narrative that goes something like this: You work hard = You reap the benefits. You are lazy = You reap the consequences. You study well = You get the satisfaction of seeing "A"s on your report card. You do a good job at work = You get a...
A bag?? I half chuckled to myself as I went down to pick up my "appreciation" gift. A mass manufactured black insulated bag with "Pathology and Laboratory Medicine" printed on the front. Oh! How much I had looked forward to receiving something that said I was appreciated for my work. (And don't get me wrong...I'm thankful for the bag). But now what will become of it? It will probably sit in our apartment for years, adding to the pile of random objects in our already overflowing closet.
I found myself telling my friend in the lunch room "But think of how meaningful your research really is. We may never see the full effect of it...maybe not till 100 years down the road...But just think of how many lives might someday be saved because of your grueling work."
And a voice popped into my head. "Those words were meant for you." Hmm.... I guess I'll prefer the wait.
The Gift of Fund Development
I have officially begun the process of finding and inviting a team of people to support the ministry here at UCLA.
How's it gone so far? I've pretty much been schooled by Jesus just about every day.
A few snapshots of all I've been learning:
How's it gone so far? I've pretty much been schooled by Jesus just about every day.
A few snapshots of all I've been learning:
- People are generous...especially those who have little money to give.
- God provides...usually in the most unexpected ways.
- Jesus wants to make me into a generous and bold person.
- Potential donors have SO much to teach me from their life experiences.
- Money is only about 10% of what this is all about. Much of it is about partnership...praying for and encouraging each other. But all of it is about being discipled by Jesus.
- I must simultaneously put to death all desires to please people, but also continually think of ways to serve them well by being relevant and articulate.
- I love campus ministry and God is breaking my heart for college students more and more.
- The chance to fundraise is a gift. And I must praise God for it every day.
A Redeemed Church
I've seen some beautiful moments at church the last few weeks:
Today the pastor called all the men in the church to practice laying down their lives for their wives by taking the postures of servants in their marriages. About thirty men came to the front of the church to confess they needed help in their marriage and wanted to be better husbands. It was beautiful. Made me cry.
Last week at my home church, in what used to be a largely all white congregation, at least four different languages were spoken from up front, including Armenian. It was beautiful. Made me cry.
I love church. I think that, due to the fact that I work with so many college students who've had bad experiences at church, I've been trained so much to say that I understand it's got its faults and that it often doesn't represent what Jesus actually taught.
But I really like church. There has rarely been a time that I've gone to church, in the last 24 years of my life (or at least those that I can remember), that I haven't been either blessed, challenged, or filled with much joy and peace. :)
Today the pastor called all the men in the church to practice laying down their lives for their wives by taking the postures of servants in their marriages. About thirty men came to the front of the church to confess they needed help in their marriage and wanted to be better husbands. It was beautiful. Made me cry.
Last week at my home church, in what used to be a largely all white congregation, at least four different languages were spoken from up front, including Armenian. It was beautiful. Made me cry.
I love church. I think that, due to the fact that I work with so many college students who've had bad experiences at church, I've been trained so much to say that I understand it's got its faults and that it often doesn't represent what Jesus actually taught.
But I really like church. There has rarely been a time that I've gone to church, in the last 24 years of my life (or at least those that I can remember), that I haven't been either blessed, challenged, or filled with much joy and peace. :)