Thanksgiving

A simple idea, I know. But oh how good and right it is to give thanks to God. So here it goes...

Dreams
At the beginning of the year, Jen Ball talked about allowing God to re-shape our imaginations and to ask Him to let us dream and hope again. A couple days ago I went out for a run and along the way I was flooded with dreams and prayers... for specific people to meet Jesus, for LaFe, for my family, for our staff team, for the students I lead, for the iTeam, for Hedrick, for UCLA, for my work...And, as my heart yearned for things that I haven't seen yet, I realized that God was allowing me to dream again - to move past the fear that these things won't happen and to pray in faith that He'll bring them about. Thank you God for dreams.

Promises
It's been a bit of a rough season - with thinking about where I might end up next year and with all of my physical problems. But in the midst of it, God has given me some promises and words that have given me so much peace when I choose to hang on to them:

• I will love you out of fear.
  
• Your pain is real.
• I will heal you.
• Do not be afraid.
  
• I will establish you in leadership.
  
• My love is steadfast.
  
• I am so for you.

Thank you God for your promises.

And thank you for....

• my work - how great my coworkers and boss are to me, for the spiritual conversations we've had, for helping me do my work well, for providing for me financially
• family - for the trip to Oregon, for time with the family today, and the chance to go to Arizona soon
• staff team - what great friendships and support I have there
• new leadership opportunities - iTeam, LaFe, giving talks, partnering with and leading Stephen
• working out housing - bringing Kokeb as a roommate
• providing jobs for Lisa and Amy and roommate for Ingrid
• continued friendship and accountability with Kim
• 26 students at first LaFe small group, 10 students from LaFe at Fall Con
• Pastor Jimmy and Abner to support LaFe
• Eloise feeling like she belongs/ has a home
  
• Sunjin's gig - with 9 people! - Sunjin having life giving experience of leadership.
• Jess experiencing joy in leadership, and miracles through prayer
  
• continually teaching me about grace
• opportunities to choose peace over anxiety
• times with Lisa on the way to work
• growing me as a counselor, giving me wisdom in hard conversations
• breakthrough for Anna
  
• getting me more connected to church/ new friendships there
• Mom to take care of me when I was sick
• Sam and Adrienne- their wisdom and care for me
• chance to wake up everyday with a sense of adventure and purpose
• Heather and Tiffany's new babies
• conversations with Heather
• giving me sense of calling to campus ministry - realizing how much I wouldn't rather do anything else
• showing me that I don't have to fight to prove myself - you love me and are proud of me.
• teaching me about race/ justice/ advocating for people
  

Thank you God for all these things. This barely skims the surface of how good you've been to me. Praise you!

Oregon Trip!

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There are very few things that I love better in this world than spending time with my family. I got to go with Mom to Oregon, just for the weekend, but it seriously felt like a little piece of Heaven.

Some highlights:

- Hailey (4 months) and Allie (5 yrs) (took off my cousin Tiffany's facebook for lack of a camera this weekend). They're Tiffany's little girls. :)

- Lots of board games and licorice - learned a new one from David called "Bohnanza" - will teach you all sometime.

- saw Grandma. She's almost 89 years old but still relatively healthy. She's having trouble getting out sentences, which was hard to see, but she's still hanging on to God with all she's got and still lays awake at nights praying for all of us and the world.

- Aunt Mary Jo (my Dad's sister) prayed for me this morning at church during worship. I felt so incredibly loved. And when I watch her take care of my Grandma and my little cousins every day with so much grace and love and patience, I remember what it means to follow Jesus. She's one of my greatest heroes.

- Memories of Dad. When I'm with Dad's family, I feel like a part of Dad is back. And it's wonderful.

- Memories of Grandpa. We were telling stories of Grandpa in the car on the way to the airport today. Some I hadn't heard before. Apparently, when he was in his later days, there were a whole bunch of Russians at his church and he said "Well, someone's got to be able to speak with them." And so, in like 3 weeks, he picked up Russian.... We were also remembering how whenever he came home from the doctor and someone asked how his visit went, he'd respond "Oh, the doctor is doing just great. His wife is well and his kids are..." Haha. He'd forget to share how he was actually doing because he cared so much about others.

I think that, this weekend, God was making me more self aware of who I am and where I come from. On one hand, I've grown up in a very human family - with certain similar struggles and temptations. But on the other hand, I come from a long line of people that has been doused with God's grace, time and time again.

I come from a family that knows God's joy and knows His love and so, whenever we're together, those are the two things that I cannot help but feel. What a blessing!

For I am convinced...

If I wasn't convinced before, I am seriously convinced now that we have an enemy who doesn't like what we're doing on campus right now. It was very apparent in the beginning of the year - with all the schedule conflicts, bad room reservations, and other complications that seemed like attempts to thwart God's ability to move here in the lives of students. And for a time I was well aware of how much we need to mobilize people to pray.

But then I forgot. I got so caught up in the beauty of all God was doing and the rhythm of every day life that I forgot to be on the look out.

And now, in Hedrick alone, both Area Leaders and half of our Team Leaders have been struck with an awful flu which - literally - has taken us out of ministry.

A part of me feels really angered. But another part of me just wants to laugh. If this is how the enemy thinks he can stop us, it really is kinda funny. He may be able to keep us from getting time around students but he can't keep us from praying. And I know God is at work. I KNOW He's answering prayers. I've seen people's lives changing in front of my eyes. A mere flu isn't going to stop Him.

I had a really powerful dream the other night. I know some of you might think I'm crazy but I dreamat that I was visited by an angel. And he said to me "Kelly, what kind of world do you think this is?" I said "A physical one." He said, very calmly, "Naw, it's spiritual. It's very spiritual."

Moral of the story? PRAY!! If you read this, PLEASE PRAY for us. I have never been more convinced that that's what we need to do.

Romans 8:38: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Update

So, the doctor called and said that my blood is fine. She tested for a bunch of different things and it all looks good. She said my cholesterol is way low and I'm really healthy.

I should've been really glad to hear this news but, as she was telling it to me, I could hardly hold the phone because my arm was shaking again. So it just left me really frustrated.

She said to wait a couple weeks. If it's still going, she'll have me do some tests to see if it's in my brain. Though I'm pretty confident that that's not the case. It probably is all just in my head though...psychologically speaking. But that makes me feel worse. Thus...my previous entry.

An Honest Prayer

Why is it
When I look at the bruises on my arms
I pray that they'll stay -
rather than "make them go away!" -
so that I can convey
to the world
that I am in pain?

Why is it
when the doctor says I'm fine
that my blood is pure
and that I can be sure
that I am well -
I say
I'd rather be sick?

Because if it was true
that something was wrong
than at least I could say
that my pain is real -
that my shaking is not just some
make- shift attempt to call
out for attention - to say
"Look at me!"
But indeed, I could say
I'm legit.

Why is it
that I cry out to Jesus
saying "Make it quit!"
But when he asks me the question
"Would you like to get well?"
A part of my soul just holds back?
I can't, I can't
say yes.

Why is it
that when I've been given the source
of freedom
from all fear and anxious living - the key
to see with eyes opened-
the strength to move mountains -
the secret to joy forever...
I can't, I can't
take it?

Instead, I'd rather
stay in what I know.
Can't I just be paralyzed forever?
'38 years I've sat by this pool'
and I'd be a fool
to change now.
Walk? Are you crazy?
Naw, Jesus, I'm cool.

But I want - I want
to choose life.
I hear of this freedom -
a new way of living -
with my eyes off myself
and my feet running forward.
I DO want it.
I want, I want
to choose joy.

But Jesus I know -
I can't do it on my own.
The real miracle would be
not some quick healing
but that I'd find the ability
to say from the depths of my soul
and honestly pray
that I want
to be made well.

Faith over fear.
Joy over sadness.
Hope over hopelessness.
Peace over anxiousness.
Life over death.
I want, I want
this.

And Jesus- that part of my
soul that say no - that is
what proves I am sick.
And it is that
that I need you to cure.
So Jesus - as much as I can tell
my soul cries out -
make me well!

Amen.

Faced my greatest fear...

The doctor.

I'm not sure why I'm so terrified of the doctor, but I really am. I finally went today to find out what the heck is wrong with me.

And, I'm actually really grateful, because the first doctor I talked to was a Christian, so when she asked me all these questions about what's going on in my life now, it was a lot easier to explain. And she was actually filled with a ton of compassion and understanding. Sometimes that's all I want. Someone to acknowledge your pain and make you feel normal for experiencing it.

But then the hard part... They said I needed a shot and that they were going to take my blood to run some tests. Not horrible, right? Well, it took about 10 tries, 3 nurses, and 1 hour, before they were able to find my vein. In fact, they found it once, but then said it was no good because the blood was doing something funny. So it was back to ground zero. They were ready to refer me to the hospital to see a specialist, but then the third nurse was finally able to do it. Now I've got bandaids up and down my arms and a lot of bruises.

I guess you could say my fears were validated. :)

But, I'm also feeling very relieved. Now they can tell me if there is actually something wrong - if I'm lacking a vitamin or something. She said that if the shaking continues in about another 3 weeks, then she'll have me do some neurological exams, but we'll wait to see the blood tests first.

Anyways, pray that nothing too crazy is wrong with me and that, if there is, they'll figure it out. :)

A Precious Moment

In LaFe the other night, I asked everyone to turn to their neighbor and tell them how Jesus has been good to them. I turned to my neighbor and before I could realize what was going on, she was in tears.

It was simply her genuine response to the question. Jesus had been so good to her to the point that she was sent to tears of joy and amazement.

And something in my heart stirred. Yeah. That's right. Jesus is so good. And he deserves that kind of worship.