Nothing in my life is normal.
My work consists of formatting figures and editing scientific documents that mean absolutely nothing to me. I spend my lunch times trying to explain to the international students and postdocs why I spend my every waking minute with college students and why I'm so crazy about following Jesus.
I then take a thirty minute break and walk to the dorms where I have to explain why I'm graduated yet still on campus all the time. Then I lead a Bible study for Latino students and say multiple times that, yes, I'm white, but I still desire to lead them and learn from them.
I have multiple conversations a day about the deeper "issues" in our lives and attempt to interpret where God might be in the midst of all of that.
I live in an apartment that's half falling apart, but is also used to host multiple events, sometimes more than one a day. I eat and live as if I have a family here, each taking turns to cook - which is really wonderful sometimes but is definitely not void of complications and "family problems."
I ride my neighbor's bicycle to church on Sundays and attempt to make friends. All of them so far happen to be African American. Most of the time I feel extremely comfortable with them but when I talk about how I'm leading a Latino Bible study or how I live off a part time salary in order to spend all my evenings with college students, it dawns on me again... My life is not normal.
And to be honest, sometimes, I just wish I had a little normalcy. Oh how lovely it could be to come home from work and watch TV and not worry about anything other than bills and dishes. Or to hang out with friends my age and go clubbing on Friday nights.
But then, in the midst of such a fleeting daydream, I shake myself awake and think, No. I wouldn't have my life any other way... ;)
Joy has returned
The last couple weeks have been a bit brutal. About every other day I've had more muscle spasms (what I would now call sudo-panic attacks...partly for lack of any other understanding of what it may be...except that they come when I'm not feeling particularly stressed out). Then on Friday I just straight up got a cold. As frustrating as colds can be, I was somewhat relieved to have an excuse for not being at full energy. (A cold is a little more understandable than saying you're "sick" with muscles spasms and stress.)
It's been hard for me to feel any sense of joy, even in the midst of really amazing things happening all around me. I've felt like a failure in many ways, mainly because of the way I've been responding to stress. It's quite a brutal cycle, really... I get stressed out, don't respond well, and then get really frustrated with myself for giving into anxiety again.
But then I woke up today and, for no real reason in particular, it was like joy had returned. I wracked my brain for all the reasons as to why I should be feeling joyful. I hadn't accomplished anything. The amount of things to do for the week had not diminished in any way. I was still sick. I thought, maybe it was because I had a roommate again. Or because we had a great study in the Word the night before. But, as wonderful as those things are, I don't think that's where the joy came from. I think it was really just a gift from God. When I stopped for a moment to listen to Him today, I heard a small voice saying "That joy is from me." And in return, I smiled, and said "Thank you." :)
It's been hard for me to feel any sense of joy, even in the midst of really amazing things happening all around me. I've felt like a failure in many ways, mainly because of the way I've been responding to stress. It's quite a brutal cycle, really... I get stressed out, don't respond well, and then get really frustrated with myself for giving into anxiety again.
But then I woke up today and, for no real reason in particular, it was like joy had returned. I wracked my brain for all the reasons as to why I should be feeling joyful. I hadn't accomplished anything. The amount of things to do for the week had not diminished in any way. I was still sick. I thought, maybe it was because I had a roommate again. Or because we had a great study in the Word the night before. But, as wonderful as those things are, I don't think that's where the joy came from. I think it was really just a gift from God. When I stopped for a moment to listen to Him today, I heard a small voice saying "That joy is from me." And in return, I smiled, and said "Thank you." :)
Allergic to Midol?
So, the last few days I've been having episodes of muscle spasms. On Thursday I had to leave work early because my vision was blurry and my arm was twitching so I couldn't control the computer mouse. Then on Friday, the muscles in my legs shook for a good hour before I fell asleep. Then tonight, my arms started twitching again randomly for about another hour.
I feel like I've had the most insane work-outs of my life. My muscles are so sore I feel like my limbs might just fall off.
The doctor told me today that I just need to not take Midol. But that was once, nearly sixty hours ago, so should I still be experiencing side effects? I'm doubtful.
Maybe it's anxiety? Maybe the flu? Spiritual attack?
I'm not really scared of what's wrong with me. I just hate not being in control and not knowing. Hmm...a common theme in my life these days.
Jesus - I need to be better of this soon because I'm tired of it consuming me. Give me rest.
The honest truth
I am in desperate need of some truth. I don't trust myself or my thoughts. I'm tired of living out of fear. I want to be free.
"No Worries Guaranteed"
I noticed this phrase on a shampooo bottle in the shower this morning and thought, Wow. That's quite a promise. ;)
Warning: dramatic entry from a tired writer
My 4th grade teacher has been telling me recently that I've always been an overachiever. I think she means it as a compliment, but it's really not something I'm proud of.
I've tried so hard to be on top of things this summer, and yet, it doesn't seem like it's done anything. I'm still rushing to pull stuff off at the last minute. There's always something more to do. Always something more to think about. Always something to be perfected.
I fear that I'm growing a stubborn and bitter heart in the midst of it. Something in me says "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to obey. I don't want to work. I'm tired." But then I wonder who it is that has been telling me to do the work in the first place. God? My boss? My self? I don't know. But whoever is telling me to keep doing, everything in me wants to tell him I quit. Because it's never good enough.
Perhaps I have an extremely twisted view of God and what He requires of me. Or perhaps He is telling me things to obey and I'm just rebellious and don't want to. Maybe a combination of both. All I know is I'm confused. I'm tired. And something needs to change.
Father, help me.
I've tried so hard to be on top of things this summer, and yet, it doesn't seem like it's done anything. I'm still rushing to pull stuff off at the last minute. There's always something more to do. Always something more to think about. Always something to be perfected.
I fear that I'm growing a stubborn and bitter heart in the midst of it. Something in me says "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to obey. I don't want to work. I'm tired." But then I wonder who it is that has been telling me to do the work in the first place. God? My boss? My self? I don't know. But whoever is telling me to keep doing, everything in me wants to tell him I quit. Because it's never good enough.
Perhaps I have an extremely twisted view of God and what He requires of me. Or perhaps He is telling me things to obey and I'm just rebellious and don't want to. Maybe a combination of both. All I know is I'm confused. I'm tired. And something needs to change.
Father, help me.
Culturally Relevant
I'm a North Campus major. From a white American family. Majored in International Development Studies. I'm 23. The gospel for me is that Jesus is on a movement to love the poor and change the hearts of the rich.
But what is the good news for someone who's 45, been working at the same job for 20 years and trying to provide for his children? Or for a new doctor who's about to have a baby? Or for International students who miss their families?
Seven people showed up for a Bible study at work today! (And another one apologized profusely for not making it because his experiment took too long.) The whole lunch room was pretty crowded. Tian brought two of his friends. I nearly cried for joy. We talked about Zacchaeus, the tax collector. But I just couldn't help but share the gospel in the way that I knew how.
It was an awesome study. No doubt about that. We talked about curiosity and how Jesus honors that. How Jesus wants to get into our lives and use us to change the world. They want to come again.
But I still feel like there's something I'm missing. My world is so different from their's. How do I get into their shoes and show them that the gospel is actually relevant to their every day life in a lab at UCLA?
Hmm...
But what is the good news for someone who's 45, been working at the same job for 20 years and trying to provide for his children? Or for a new doctor who's about to have a baby? Or for International students who miss their families?
Seven people showed up for a Bible study at work today! (And another one apologized profusely for not making it because his experiment took too long.) The whole lunch room was pretty crowded. Tian brought two of his friends. I nearly cried for joy. We talked about Zacchaeus, the tax collector. But I just couldn't help but share the gospel in the way that I knew how.
It was an awesome study. No doubt about that. We talked about curiosity and how Jesus honors that. How Jesus wants to get into our lives and use us to change the world. They want to come again.
But I still feel like there's something I'm missing. My world is so different from their's. How do I get into their shoes and show them that the gospel is actually relevant to their every day life in a lab at UCLA?
Hmm...