Numbers 21: "So Moses made a snake out of bronze and attached it to a pole. Then anyone who was bitten by a snake could look at the bronze snake and be healed!"
John 3:14: "And as Moses lifted up the bronze snake on a pole in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, so that everyone who believes in him will have eternal life."
Implication: Just look at Jesus and you'll be healed.
I don't know how many times, in the midst of intense pain in the last couple of weeks, I've heard a small voice say: Worship me. Think of me. Put your eyes on me. And really, more than any drug, or mind-numbing episode of the "Office," more than any prayer or word of comfort from friends, putting my eyes on Jesus has been the most healing of all. Those moments in church, singing, You have overcome the grave, your glory fills the highest place - studying about Jesus tonight and seeing how much He yearns for people to know Him - singing I believe that you're my healer at Catalyst, closing my eyes and seeing Him stroking my back like a gentle mother and whispering It's ok baby, I've got you...just a little longer - It was in these times that I felt the most relief - the most joy - the most peace - the most healing.
Just to look at Jesus brings healing. I really believe it.
And there have been moments in the last couple of weeks where I have felt my heart burning with desire for my friends to see Jesus too - for them to be able to fall in love with Him and to experience the healing that I have. Sometimes that desire for my friends is so overwhelming that I almost cannot take it anymore. How do I show them who Jesus really is? How do I point them away from myself and to Jesus? Sometimes I literally just want to sit them all down and shake them and say "Look at Jesus! Oh, if you only knew!!! He is so wonderful. Just to look at Him will bring you healing."
Mike said that advent is a time of waiting. And that's exactly what I feel right now. Waiting. I have seen Jesus...but not fully. I have seen Him work in small conversations and prayers at work. I've seen Him bring me moments of relief and tastes of healing. But not fully. And at times, I'm given a vision of what it will be like to see Jesus in His full glory and it is the most wonderful thing in the world. But then I'm quickly brought back into the reality that the kingdom has not fully come yet. And I must wait. And pray. And yearn. And hope. It is a good place to be, I suppose. Terribly frustrating and purposeful, all at the same time.
I want to see Jesus. I want others to see Him. Emmanuel, Adonai, Father, Shalom, Prince of Peace, Hope of all the Earth - let us know you. Let us see you. So we might be totally and completely healed.
Amen.
90% of my thoughts from the last 5 days:
Jesus, I'm so tired of being in pain. Please bring me relief...It hurts. A lot. Amen.
Thanksgiving
A simple idea, I know. But oh how good and right it is to give thanks to God. So here it goes...
Dreams
At the beginning of the year, Jen Ball talked about allowing God to re-shape our imaginations and to ask Him to let us dream and hope again. A couple days ago I went out for a run and along the way I was flooded with dreams and prayers... for specific people to meet Jesus, for LaFe, for my family, for our staff team, for the students I lead, for the iTeam, for Hedrick, for UCLA, for my work...And, as my heart yearned for things that I haven't seen yet, I realized that God was allowing me to dream again - to move past the fear that these things won't happen and to pray in faith that He'll bring them about. Thank you God for dreams.
Promises
It's been a bit of a rough season - with thinking about where I might end up next year and with all of my physical problems. But in the midst of it, God has given me some promises and words that have given me so much peace when I choose to hang on to them:
And thank you for....
Dreams
At the beginning of the year, Jen Ball talked about allowing God to re-shape our imaginations and to ask Him to let us dream and hope again. A couple days ago I went out for a run and along the way I was flooded with dreams and prayers... for specific people to meet Jesus, for LaFe, for my family, for our staff team, for the students I lead, for the iTeam, for Hedrick, for UCLA, for my work...And, as my heart yearned for things that I haven't seen yet, I realized that God was allowing me to dream again - to move past the fear that these things won't happen and to pray in faith that He'll bring them about. Thank you God for dreams.
Promises
It's been a bit of a rough season - with thinking about where I might end up next year and with all of my physical problems. But in the midst of it, God has given me some promises and words that have given me so much peace when I choose to hang on to them:
- I will love you out of fear.
- Your pain is real.
- I will heal you.
- Do not be afraid.
- I will establish you in leadership.
- My love is steadfast.
- I am so for you.
And thank you for....
- my work - how great my coworkers and boss are to me, for the spiritual conversations we've had, for helping me do my work well, for providing for me financially
- family - for the trip to Oregon, for time with the family today, and the chance to go to Arizona soon
- staff team - what great friendships and support I have there
- new leadership opportunities - iTeam, LaFe, giving talks, partnering with and leading Stephen
- working out housing - bringing Kokeb as a roommate
- providing jobs for Lisa and Amy and roommate for Ingrid
- continued friendship and accountability with Kim
- 26 students at first LaFe small group, 10 students from LaFe at Fall Con
- Pastor Jimmy and Abner to support LaFe
- Eloise feeling like she belongs/ has a home
- Sunjin's gig - with 9 people! - Sunjin having life giving experience of leadership.
- Jess experiencing joy in leadership, and miracles through prayer
- continually teaching me about grace
- opportunities to choose peace over anxiety
- times with Lisa on the way to work
- growing me as a counselor, giving me wisdom in hard conversations
- breakthrough for Anna
- getting me more connected to church/ new friendships there
- Mom to take care of me when I was sick
- Sam and Adrienne- their wisdom and care for me
- chance to wake up everyday with a sense of adventure and purpose
- Heather and Tiffany's new babies
- conversations with Heather
- giving me sense of calling to campus ministry - realizing how much I wouldn't rather do anything else
- showing me that I don't have to fight to prove myself - you love me and are proud of me.
- teaching me about race/ justice/ advocating for people
Oregon Trip!
-
There are very few things that I love better in this world than spending time with my family. I got to go with Mom to Oregon, just for the weekend, but it seriously felt like a little piece of Heaven.
Some highlights:
- Hailey (4 months) and Allie (5 yrs) (took off my cousin Tiffany's facebook for lack of a camera this weekend). They're Tiffany's little girls. :)
- Lots of board games and licorice - learned a new one from David called "Bohnanza" - will teach you all sometime.
- saw Grandma. She's almost 89 years old but still relatively healthy. She's having trouble getting out sentences, which was hard to see, but she's still hanging on to God with all she's got and still lays awake at nights praying for all of us and the world.
- Aunt Mary Jo (my Dad's sister) prayed for me this morning at church during worship. I felt so incredibly loved. And when I watch her take care of my Grandma and my little cousins every day with so much grace and love and patience, I remember what it means to follow Jesus. She's one of my greatest heroes.
- Memories of Dad. When I'm with Dad's family, I feel like a part of Dad is back. And it's wonderful.
- Memories of Grandpa. We were telling stories of Grandpa in the car on the way to the airport today. Some I hadn't heard before. Apparently, when he was in his later days, there were a whole bunch of Russians at his church and he said "Well, someone's got to be able to speak with them." And so, in like 3 weeks, he picked up Russian.... We were also remembering how whenever he came home from the doctor and someone asked how his visit went, he'd respond "Oh, the doctor is doing just great. His wife is well and his kids are..." Haha. He'd forget to share how he was actually doing because he cared so much about others.
I think that, this weekend, God was making me more self aware of who I am and where I come from. On one hand, I've grown up in a very human family - with certain similar struggles and temptations. But on the other hand, I come from a long line of people that has been doused with God's grace, time and time again.
I come from a family that knows God's joy and knows His love and so, whenever we're together, those are the two things that I cannot help but feel. What a blessing!
For I am convinced...
If I wasn't convinced before, I am seriously convinced now that we have an enemy who doesn't like what we're doing on campus right now. It was very apparent in the beginning of the year - with all the schedule conflicts, bad room reservations, and other complications that seemed like attempts to thwart God's ability to move here in the lives of students. And for a time I was well aware of how much we need to mobilize people to pray.
But then I forgot. I got so caught up in the beauty of all God was doing and the rhythm of every day life that I forgot to be on the look out.
And now, in Hedrick alone, both Area Leaders and half of our Team Leaders have been struck with an awful flu which - literally - has taken us out of ministry.
A part of me feels really angered. But another part of me just wants to laugh. If this is how the enemy thinks he can stop us, it really is kinda funny. He may be able to keep us from getting time around students but he can't keep us from praying. And I know God is at work. I KNOW He's answering prayers. I've seen people's lives changing in front of my eyes. A mere flu isn't going to stop Him.
I had a really powerful dream the other night. I know some of you might think I'm crazy but I dreamat that I was visited by an angel. And he said to me "Kelly, what kind of world do you think this is?" I said "A physical one." He said, very calmly, "Naw, it's spiritual. It's very spiritual."
Moral of the story? PRAY!! If you read this, PLEASE PRAY for us. I have never been more convinced that that's what we need to do.
Romans 8:38: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
But then I forgot. I got so caught up in the beauty of all God was doing and the rhythm of every day life that I forgot to be on the look out.
And now, in Hedrick alone, both Area Leaders and half of our Team Leaders have been struck with an awful flu which - literally - has taken us out of ministry.
A part of me feels really angered. But another part of me just wants to laugh. If this is how the enemy thinks he can stop us, it really is kinda funny. He may be able to keep us from getting time around students but he can't keep us from praying. And I know God is at work. I KNOW He's answering prayers. I've seen people's lives changing in front of my eyes. A mere flu isn't going to stop Him.
I had a really powerful dream the other night. I know some of you might think I'm crazy but I dreamat that I was visited by an angel. And he said to me "Kelly, what kind of world do you think this is?" I said "A physical one." He said, very calmly, "Naw, it's spiritual. It's very spiritual."
Moral of the story? PRAY!! If you read this, PLEASE PRAY for us. I have never been more convinced that that's what we need to do.
Romans 8:38: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Update
So, the doctor called and said that my blood is fine. She tested for a bunch of different things and it all looks good. She said my cholesterol is way low and I'm really healthy.
I should've been really glad to hear this news but, as she was telling it to me, I could hardly hold the phone because my arm was shaking again. So it just left me really frustrated.
She said to wait a couple weeks. If it's still going, she'll have me do some tests to see if it's in my brain. Though I'm pretty confident that that's not the case. It probably is all just in my head though...psychologically speaking. But that makes me feel worse. Thus...my previous entry.
I should've been really glad to hear this news but, as she was telling it to me, I could hardly hold the phone because my arm was shaking again. So it just left me really frustrated.
She said to wait a couple weeks. If it's still going, she'll have me do some tests to see if it's in my brain. Though I'm pretty confident that that's not the case. It probably is all just in my head though...psychologically speaking. But that makes me feel worse. Thus...my previous entry.
An Honest Prayer
Why is it
When I look at the bruises on my arms
I pray that they'll stay -
rather than "make them go away!" -
so that I can convey
to the world
that I am in pain?
Why is it
when the doctor says I'm fine
that my blood is pure
and that I can be sure
that I am well -
I say
I'd rather be sick?
Because if it was true
that something was wrong
than at least I could say
that my pain is real -
that my shaking is not just some
make- shift attempt to call
out for attention - to say
"Look at me!"
But indeed, I could say
I'm legit.
Why is it
that I cry out to Jesus
saying "Make it quit!"
But when he asks me the question
"Would you like to get well?"
A part of my soul just holds back?
I can't, I can't
say yes.
Why is it
that when I've been given the source
of freedom
from all fear and anxious living - the key
to see with eyes opened-
the strength to move mountains -
the secret to joy forever...
I can't, I can't
take it?
Instead, I'd rather
stay in what I know.
Can't I just be paralyzed forever?
'38 years I've sat by this pool'
and I'd be a fool
to change now.
Walk? Are you crazy?
Naw, Jesus, I'm cool.
But I want - I want
to choose life.
I hear of this freedom -
a new way of living -
with my eyes off myself
and my feet running forward.
I DO want it.
I want, I want
to choose joy.
But Jesus I know -
I can't do it on my own.
The real miracle would be
not some quick healing
but that I'd find the ability
to say from the depths of my soul
and honestly pray
that I want
to be made well.
Faith over fear.
Joy over sadness.
Hope over hopelessness.
Peace over anxiousness.
Life over death.
I want, I want
this.
And Jesus- that part of my
soul that say no - that is
what proves I am sick.
And it is that
that I need you to cure.
So Jesus - as much as I can tell
my soul cries out -
make me well!
Amen.
When I look at the bruises on my arms
I pray that they'll stay -
rather than "make them go away!" -
so that I can convey
to the world
that I am in pain?
Why is it
when the doctor says I'm fine
that my blood is pure
and that I can be sure
that I am well -
I say
I'd rather be sick?
Because if it was true
that something was wrong
than at least I could say
that my pain is real -
that my shaking is not just some
make- shift attempt to call
out for attention - to say
"Look at me!"
But indeed, I could say
I'm legit.
Why is it
that I cry out to Jesus
saying "Make it quit!"
But when he asks me the question
"Would you like to get well?"
A part of my soul just holds back?
I can't, I can't
say yes.
Why is it
that when I've been given the source
of freedom
from all fear and anxious living - the key
to see with eyes opened-
the strength to move mountains -
the secret to joy forever...
I can't, I can't
take it?
Instead, I'd rather
stay in what I know.
Can't I just be paralyzed forever?
'38 years I've sat by this pool'
and I'd be a fool
to change now.
Walk? Are you crazy?
Naw, Jesus, I'm cool.
But I want - I want
to choose life.
I hear of this freedom -
a new way of living -
with my eyes off myself
and my feet running forward.
I DO want it.
I want, I want
to choose joy.
But Jesus I know -
I can't do it on my own.
The real miracle would be
not some quick healing
but that I'd find the ability
to say from the depths of my soul
and honestly pray
that I want
to be made well.
Faith over fear.
Joy over sadness.
Hope over hopelessness.
Peace over anxiousness.
Life over death.
I want, I want
this.
And Jesus- that part of my
soul that say no - that is
what proves I am sick.
And it is that
that I need you to cure.
So Jesus - as much as I can tell
my soul cries out -
make me well!
Amen.
Faced my greatest fear...
The doctor.
I'm not sure why I'm so terrified of the doctor, but I really am. I finally went today to find out what the heck is wrong with me.
And, I'm actually really grateful, because the first doctor I talked to was a Christian, so when she asked me all these questions about what's going on in my life now, it was a lot easier to explain. And she was actually filled with a ton of compassion and understanding. Sometimes that's all I want. Someone to acknowledge your pain and make you feel normal for experiencing it.
But then the hard part... They said I needed a shot and that they were going to take my blood to run some tests. Not horrible, right? Well, it took about 10 tries, 3 nurses, and 1 hour, before they were able to find my vein. In fact, they found it once, but then said it was no good because the blood was doing something funny. So it was back to ground zero. They were ready to refer me to the hospital to see a specialist, but then the third nurse was finally able to do it. Now I've got bandaids up and down my arms and a lot of bruises.
I guess you could say my fears were validated. :)
But, I'm also feeling very relieved. Now they can tell me if there is actually something wrong - if I'm lacking a vitamin or something. She said that if the shaking continues in about another 3 weeks, then she'll have me do some neurological exams, but we'll wait to see the blood tests first.
Anyways, pray that nothing too crazy is wrong with me and that, if there is, they'll figure it out. :)
I'm not sure why I'm so terrified of the doctor, but I really am. I finally went today to find out what the heck is wrong with me.
And, I'm actually really grateful, because the first doctor I talked to was a Christian, so when she asked me all these questions about what's going on in my life now, it was a lot easier to explain. And she was actually filled with a ton of compassion and understanding. Sometimes that's all I want. Someone to acknowledge your pain and make you feel normal for experiencing it.
But then the hard part... They said I needed a shot and that they were going to take my blood to run some tests. Not horrible, right? Well, it took about 10 tries, 3 nurses, and 1 hour, before they were able to find my vein. In fact, they found it once, but then said it was no good because the blood was doing something funny. So it was back to ground zero. They were ready to refer me to the hospital to see a specialist, but then the third nurse was finally able to do it. Now I've got bandaids up and down my arms and a lot of bruises.
I guess you could say my fears were validated. :)
But, I'm also feeling very relieved. Now they can tell me if there is actually something wrong - if I'm lacking a vitamin or something. She said that if the shaking continues in about another 3 weeks, then she'll have me do some neurological exams, but we'll wait to see the blood tests first.
Anyways, pray that nothing too crazy is wrong with me and that, if there is, they'll figure it out. :)
A Precious Moment
In LaFe the other night, I asked everyone to turn to their neighbor and tell them how Jesus has been good to them. I turned to my neighbor and before I could realize what was going on, she was in tears.
It was simply her genuine response to the question. Jesus had been so good to her to the point that she was sent to tears of joy and amazement.
And something in my heart stirred. Yeah. That's right. Jesus is so good. And he deserves that kind of worship.
It was simply her genuine response to the question. Jesus had been so good to her to the point that she was sent to tears of joy and amazement.
And something in my heart stirred. Yeah. That's right. Jesus is so good. And he deserves that kind of worship.
Oh For Some Normalcy. Part 2
I never have anything wrong with me that's normal.
Never a stomach flu or a broken leg or a migraine. It's always something odd that the doctors have no explanation for.
I get to be the one with a wart that feels like glass in my foot, or an extremely painful ingrown hair, or arthritis due to a shuffle board puck being flung at my ankle.
And now it's this random shaking and muscle twitching that I just can't stop. About every other day now, one of my limbs will start shaking uncontrollably for at least 30 minutes to a couple hours. It's ok if it happens when I'm lying down, but when I'm trying to edit a figure or lead a meeting for 20 students, or counsel someone as they pour out their soul, it's rather inconvenient.
I wish I could just brush it off and say it'll go away with time. I wish I could say it doesn't worry me and that I'm probably just over dramatic and starved for attention. But there's something that turns in my stomach every time it happens and makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me.
I frankly don't know what to do about it anymore or what to think. I guess I'll just keep praying.
Never a stomach flu or a broken leg or a migraine. It's always something odd that the doctors have no explanation for.
I get to be the one with a wart that feels like glass in my foot, or an extremely painful ingrown hair, or arthritis due to a shuffle board puck being flung at my ankle.
And now it's this random shaking and muscle twitching that I just can't stop. About every other day now, one of my limbs will start shaking uncontrollably for at least 30 minutes to a couple hours. It's ok if it happens when I'm lying down, but when I'm trying to edit a figure or lead a meeting for 20 students, or counsel someone as they pour out their soul, it's rather inconvenient.
I wish I could just brush it off and say it'll go away with time. I wish I could say it doesn't worry me and that I'm probably just over dramatic and starved for attention. But there's something that turns in my stomach every time it happens and makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me.
I frankly don't know what to do about it anymore or what to think. I guess I'll just keep praying.
Oh For Some Normalcy
Nothing in my life is normal.
My work consists of formatting figures and editing scientific documents that mean absolutely nothing to me. I spend my lunch times trying to explain to the international students and postdocs why I spend my every waking minute with college students and why I'm so crazy about following Jesus.
I then take a thirty minute break and walk to the dorms where I have to explain why I'm graduated yet still on campus all the time. Then I lead a Bible study for Latino students and say multiple times that, yes, I'm white, but I still desire to lead them and learn from them.
I have multiple conversations a day about the deeper "issues" in our lives and attempt to interpret where God might be in the midst of all of that.
I live in an apartment that's half falling apart, but is also used to host multiple events, sometimes more than one a day. I eat and live as if I have a family here, each taking turns to cook - which is really wonderful sometimes but is definitely not void of complications and "family problems."
I ride my neighbor's bicycle to church on Sundays and attempt to make friends. All of them so far happen to be African American. Most of the time I feel extremely comfortable with them but when I talk about how I'm leading a Latino Bible study or how I live off a part time salary in order to spend all my evenings with college students, it dawns on me again... My life is not normal.
And to be honest, sometimes, I just wish I had a little normalcy. Oh how lovely it could be to come home from work and watch TV and not worry about anything other than bills and dishes. Or to hang out with friends my age and go clubbing on Friday nights.
But then, in the midst of such a fleeting daydream, I shake myself awake and think, No. I wouldn't have my life any other way... ;)
My work consists of formatting figures and editing scientific documents that mean absolutely nothing to me. I spend my lunch times trying to explain to the international students and postdocs why I spend my every waking minute with college students and why I'm so crazy about following Jesus.
I then take a thirty minute break and walk to the dorms where I have to explain why I'm graduated yet still on campus all the time. Then I lead a Bible study for Latino students and say multiple times that, yes, I'm white, but I still desire to lead them and learn from them.
I have multiple conversations a day about the deeper "issues" in our lives and attempt to interpret where God might be in the midst of all of that.
I live in an apartment that's half falling apart, but is also used to host multiple events, sometimes more than one a day. I eat and live as if I have a family here, each taking turns to cook - which is really wonderful sometimes but is definitely not void of complications and "family problems."
I ride my neighbor's bicycle to church on Sundays and attempt to make friends. All of them so far happen to be African American. Most of the time I feel extremely comfortable with them but when I talk about how I'm leading a Latino Bible study or how I live off a part time salary in order to spend all my evenings with college students, it dawns on me again... My life is not normal.
And to be honest, sometimes, I just wish I had a little normalcy. Oh how lovely it could be to come home from work and watch TV and not worry about anything other than bills and dishes. Or to hang out with friends my age and go clubbing on Friday nights.
But then, in the midst of such a fleeting daydream, I shake myself awake and think, No. I wouldn't have my life any other way... ;)
Joy has returned
The last couple weeks have been a bit brutal. About every other day I've had more muscle spasms (what I would now call sudo-panic attacks...partly for lack of any other understanding of what it may be...except that they come when I'm not feeling particularly stressed out). Then on Friday I just straight up got a cold. As frustrating as colds can be, I was somewhat relieved to have an excuse for not being at full energy. (A cold is a little more understandable than saying you're "sick" with muscles spasms and stress.)
It's been hard for me to feel any sense of joy, even in the midst of really amazing things happening all around me. I've felt like a failure in many ways, mainly because of the way I've been responding to stress. It's quite a brutal cycle, really... I get stressed out, don't respond well, and then get really frustrated with myself for giving into anxiety again.
But then I woke up today and, for no real reason in particular, it was like joy had returned. I wracked my brain for all the reasons as to why I should be feeling joyful. I hadn't accomplished anything. The amount of things to do for the week had not diminished in any way. I was still sick. I thought, maybe it was because I had a roommate again. Or because we had a great study in the Word the night before. But, as wonderful as those things are, I don't think that's where the joy came from. I think it was really just a gift from God. When I stopped for a moment to listen to Him today, I heard a small voice saying "That joy is from me." And in return, I smiled, and said "Thank you." :)
It's been hard for me to feel any sense of joy, even in the midst of really amazing things happening all around me. I've felt like a failure in many ways, mainly because of the way I've been responding to stress. It's quite a brutal cycle, really... I get stressed out, don't respond well, and then get really frustrated with myself for giving into anxiety again.
But then I woke up today and, for no real reason in particular, it was like joy had returned. I wracked my brain for all the reasons as to why I should be feeling joyful. I hadn't accomplished anything. The amount of things to do for the week had not diminished in any way. I was still sick. I thought, maybe it was because I had a roommate again. Or because we had a great study in the Word the night before. But, as wonderful as those things are, I don't think that's where the joy came from. I think it was really just a gift from God. When I stopped for a moment to listen to Him today, I heard a small voice saying "That joy is from me." And in return, I smiled, and said "Thank you." :)
Allergic to Midol?
So, the last few days I've been having episodes of muscle spasms. On Thursday I had to leave work early because my vision was blurry and my arm was twitching so I couldn't control the computer mouse. Then on Friday, the muscles in my legs shook for a good hour before I fell asleep. Then tonight, my arms started twitching again randomly for about another hour.
I feel like I've had the most insane work-outs of my life. My muscles are so sore I feel like my limbs might just fall off.
The doctor told me today that I just need to not take Midol. But that was once, nearly sixty hours ago, so should I still be experiencing side effects? I'm doubtful.
Maybe it's anxiety? Maybe the flu? Spiritual attack?
I'm not really scared of what's wrong with me. I just hate not being in control and not knowing. Hmm...a common theme in my life these days.
Jesus - I need to be better of this soon because I'm tired of it consuming me. Give me rest.
The honest truth
I am in desperate need of some truth. I don't trust myself or my thoughts. I'm tired of living out of fear. I want to be free.
"No Worries Guaranteed"
I noticed this phrase on a shampooo bottle in the shower this morning and thought, Wow. That's quite a promise. ;)
Warning: dramatic entry from a tired writer
My 4th grade teacher has been telling me recently that I've always been an overachiever. I think she means it as a compliment, but it's really not something I'm proud of.
I've tried so hard to be on top of things this summer, and yet, it doesn't seem like it's done anything. I'm still rushing to pull stuff off at the last minute. There's always something more to do. Always something more to think about. Always something to be perfected.
I fear that I'm growing a stubborn and bitter heart in the midst of it. Something in me says "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to obey. I don't want to work. I'm tired." But then I wonder who it is that has been telling me to do the work in the first place. God? My boss? My self? I don't know. But whoever is telling me to keep doing, everything in me wants to tell him I quit. Because it's never good enough.
Perhaps I have an extremely twisted view of God and what He requires of me. Or perhaps He is telling me things to obey and I'm just rebellious and don't want to. Maybe a combination of both. All I know is I'm confused. I'm tired. And something needs to change.
Father, help me.
I've tried so hard to be on top of things this summer, and yet, it doesn't seem like it's done anything. I'm still rushing to pull stuff off at the last minute. There's always something more to do. Always something more to think about. Always something to be perfected.
I fear that I'm growing a stubborn and bitter heart in the midst of it. Something in me says "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to obey. I don't want to work. I'm tired." But then I wonder who it is that has been telling me to do the work in the first place. God? My boss? My self? I don't know. But whoever is telling me to keep doing, everything in me wants to tell him I quit. Because it's never good enough.
Perhaps I have an extremely twisted view of God and what He requires of me. Or perhaps He is telling me things to obey and I'm just rebellious and don't want to. Maybe a combination of both. All I know is I'm confused. I'm tired. And something needs to change.
Father, help me.
Culturally Relevant
I'm a North Campus major. From a white American family. Majored in International Development Studies. I'm 23. The gospel for me is that Jesus is on a movement to love the poor and change the hearts of the rich.
But what is the good news for someone who's 45, been working at the same job for 20 years and trying to provide for his children? Or for a new doctor who's about to have a baby? Or for International students who miss their families?
Seven people showed up for a Bible study at work today! (And another one apologized profusely for not making it because his experiment took too long.) The whole lunch room was pretty crowded. Tian brought two of his friends. I nearly cried for joy. We talked about Zacchaeus, the tax collector. But I just couldn't help but share the gospel in the way that I knew how.
It was an awesome study. No doubt about that. We talked about curiosity and how Jesus honors that. How Jesus wants to get into our lives and use us to change the world. They want to come again.
But I still feel like there's something I'm missing. My world is so different from their's. How do I get into their shoes and show them that the gospel is actually relevant to their every day life in a lab at UCLA?
Hmm...
But what is the good news for someone who's 45, been working at the same job for 20 years and trying to provide for his children? Or for a new doctor who's about to have a baby? Or for International students who miss their families?
Seven people showed up for a Bible study at work today! (And another one apologized profusely for not making it because his experiment took too long.) The whole lunch room was pretty crowded. Tian brought two of his friends. I nearly cried for joy. We talked about Zacchaeus, the tax collector. But I just couldn't help but share the gospel in the way that I knew how.
It was an awesome study. No doubt about that. We talked about curiosity and how Jesus honors that. How Jesus wants to get into our lives and use us to change the world. They want to come again.
But I still feel like there's something I'm missing. My world is so different from their's. How do I get into their shoes and show them that the gospel is actually relevant to their every day life in a lab at UCLA?
Hmm...
"Your God is Doing Something"
My coworker and friend said to me the other day, "Kelly, your God is doing something in this lab. You better keep praying."
As much as I was encouraged by the fact that those words came out of his mouth, I think it really was a word for me. God is doing something. It's so easy for me to get caught up in coming and going from work, in sitting at a desk staring into space for half of the day wondering why I'm here, in making plans and reading books to prepare for students to come in the Fall, in wondering when I'll shop and what I'll cook for dinner, in trying to muster up the right words to say to my friends who are hurting so badly...that I forget. I forget that my God is actually doing something.
Three times, in the last month or so, I've laid down in my bed after a long, usually uneventful but busy day, and have had the thought: Does God really exist? Because, if He does, why I am I doing all that I'm doing? Or rather, what whole new meaning does that bring to the things that I worry about and put my energy towards?
And almost simultaneously, I've gotten an overwhelming sense of God's presence. And suddenly I think: By golly, He does exist. And it's like, for a brief second, I have a whole new pair of eyes.
God is doing something. In this lab. In my apartment. In my family. In my life. In this world. And sometimes, the thought of it is a little too much to take in. I better keep praying. :)
As much as I was encouraged by the fact that those words came out of his mouth, I think it really was a word for me. God is doing something. It's so easy for me to get caught up in coming and going from work, in sitting at a desk staring into space for half of the day wondering why I'm here, in making plans and reading books to prepare for students to come in the Fall, in wondering when I'll shop and what I'll cook for dinner, in trying to muster up the right words to say to my friends who are hurting so badly...that I forget. I forget that my God is actually doing something.
Three times, in the last month or so, I've laid down in my bed after a long, usually uneventful but busy day, and have had the thought: Does God really exist? Because, if He does, why I am I doing all that I'm doing? Or rather, what whole new meaning does that bring to the things that I worry about and put my energy towards?
And almost simultaneously, I've gotten an overwhelming sense of God's presence. And suddenly I think: By golly, He does exist. And it's like, for a brief second, I have a whole new pair of eyes.
God is doing something. In this lab. In my apartment. In my family. In my life. In this world. And sometimes, the thought of it is a little too much to take in. I better keep praying. :)
PC?
Anyone know why this layout looks really bad on a PC but great on a Mac? I may have to change it afterall. Sad day.