Do you ever picture God one way when you pray to him? I think I always have some sort of image in my mind, even if it's sometimes just subconscious.
But recently, every time I pray, I think of God as a giddy school boy who has a gift to give me but the time has not come yet for him to give it. And so he is just bursting at the seems with a desire to tell me the secret which he cannot tell.
I haven't determined if this is indicative of the season of life I'm in, or just that my view of God has changed entirely. No longer is he always a stern and mean God who seeks to take away every good thing for the sake of "refining my character". No, instead, He is a God who desperately desires to lavishly bless me, but must wait for the right time so as not to spoil the surprise...or worse...to spoil me.
Not completely sure what to make of that...but something to ponder.
Completely Dealt With
Funny how God will often use the physical to demonstrate what is going on internally.
This summer I had a cancerous mole removed off my back. Literally took about the whole summer to deal with it. (Gross...I know.) At first I was sad to be rid of it. It was kind of a part of me for as long as I can remember. But when I finally got the stitches out last week and heard that they had removed all the bad cells, I felt like a whole new person. I immediately went on a 5 mile run...I was so overjoyed.
At the same time this summer I have been going to counseling to deal with some things that have haunted me since I was a child. I never thought I could actually be completely freed from them. I thought it was just a part of who I was. But during my last session, we prayed a long prayer of forgiveness, and something was different. For the first time in my life I felt completely free. And what happened when I was young was completely dealt with. The haunting memories will no longer plague me. I have been freed. Forever. Hallelujah. Praise God!
This summer I had a cancerous mole removed off my back. Literally took about the whole summer to deal with it. (Gross...I know.) At first I was sad to be rid of it. It was kind of a part of me for as long as I can remember. But when I finally got the stitches out last week and heard that they had removed all the bad cells, I felt like a whole new person. I immediately went on a 5 mile run...I was so overjoyed.
At the same time this summer I have been going to counseling to deal with some things that have haunted me since I was a child. I never thought I could actually be completely freed from them. I thought it was just a part of who I was. But during my last session, we prayed a long prayer of forgiveness, and something was different. For the first time in my life I felt completely free. And what happened when I was young was completely dealt with. The haunting memories will no longer plague me. I have been freed. Forever. Hallelujah. Praise God!
Everyone has a story
The best part of my job is that I get to hear people's stories. Many of which could be in books or movies if someone with enough talent had the time to notice them.
Yesterday I spent three hours with a Peruvian widow from my church who told me the most romantic story of how she met and fell in love with her husband through an ESL class, and how he then tragically died at the age of 35.
And last week another friend from church told me how she was headed towards being a star in Hollywood, when God clearly told her to drop everything. She gave away her clothes, her house, her acting career, and lost all of her friends. Many years later, she re-entered the industry but only this time with a purpose. She wrote a play within 3 weeks that has drawn crowds of women to find freedom from abuse and men to confess pornography and sexual addictions.
I could go on and on about all the people I've talked to within the last 6 months. At the end of the day I am a bit saddened that these stories are not more known. I suppose the best thing we can do for each other sometimes is just to listen. And the second best thing we can do is to make known the stories of those who have no voice to tell them.
Yesterday I spent three hours with a Peruvian widow from my church who told me the most romantic story of how she met and fell in love with her husband through an ESL class, and how he then tragically died at the age of 35.
And last week another friend from church told me how she was headed towards being a star in Hollywood, when God clearly told her to drop everything. She gave away her clothes, her house, her acting career, and lost all of her friends. Many years later, she re-entered the industry but only this time with a purpose. She wrote a play within 3 weeks that has drawn crowds of women to find freedom from abuse and men to confess pornography and sexual addictions.
I could go on and on about all the people I've talked to within the last 6 months. At the end of the day I am a bit saddened that these stories are not more known. I suppose the best thing we can do for each other sometimes is just to listen. And the second best thing we can do is to make known the stories of those who have no voice to tell them.
Fun.
Dear Introverted friends,
I need your help.
I need some ideas of how to have fun. My idea of a good time is having lots of people over for a game night, or playing soccer with twelve other people, or putting on a play, or playing Murder Charades, or choreographing a dance routine...
And what does this all have to do with anything? It all involves people. Lots of people...or a place to be loud and crazy without annoying the neighbors which is also hard to come by. So what do I do when I'm alone, need some time to unwind and not think about really deep things, without having to organize a party or travel to a far away place?
Reading before bed has given me nightmares...perhaps I need a new kind of book? TV puts me to sleep. I can't sew or knit.
What do I do?
Signed,
A desperate extrovert
I need your help.
I need some ideas of how to have fun. My idea of a good time is having lots of people over for a game night, or playing soccer with twelve other people, or putting on a play, or playing Murder Charades, or choreographing a dance routine...
And what does this all have to do with anything? It all involves people. Lots of people...or a place to be loud and crazy without annoying the neighbors which is also hard to come by. So what do I do when I'm alone, need some time to unwind and not think about really deep things, without having to organize a party or travel to a far away place?
Reading before bed has given me nightmares...perhaps I need a new kind of book? TV puts me to sleep. I can't sew or knit.
What do I do?
Signed,
A desperate extrovert
The Tragic Lie in Ministry
There are moments...
when I have driven my 30th lap around Westwood, searching for one all-day parking spot on the right side of the street, or when I've got $30 left in my bank account and am seriously contemplating if I should buy food and gas or sarcastically wait in my room all week doing nothing until I get paid again, or when I've worked 20 hours in the lab and 40 hours doing work for Intervarsity in one week, or when I've finished my tenth phone call of the night feeling stupid and like I stumbled over all my words....yes, there are moments when I am tempted to believe one of the greatest lies of the enemy...
That God is out to get me. I am tempted to believe that He's got some vicious plan to make me "take up my cross" and "refine me in the fire" to the point that there is no more Kelly left and only one sharp, perfect tool for ministry.
BUT. The great tragedy, is that that couldn't be further from the truth. No, it is not that God is using me for ministry. He is using ministry for me. He's using it to bring to the surface all of my distrust and unbelief so that He can cut it all out...completely. He's using it to wipe out all of those things that I rely on and depend on for false security, in order that I can know the one and only person who is, in fact, safe. And I couldn't be more grateful.
I mustn't ever lose sight of this truth.
when I have driven my 30th lap around Westwood, searching for one all-day parking spot on the right side of the street, or when I've got $30 left in my bank account and am seriously contemplating if I should buy food and gas or sarcastically wait in my room all week doing nothing until I get paid again, or when I've worked 20 hours in the lab and 40 hours doing work for Intervarsity in one week, or when I've finished my tenth phone call of the night feeling stupid and like I stumbled over all my words....yes, there are moments when I am tempted to believe one of the greatest lies of the enemy...
That God is out to get me. I am tempted to believe that He's got some vicious plan to make me "take up my cross" and "refine me in the fire" to the point that there is no more Kelly left and only one sharp, perfect tool for ministry.
BUT. The great tragedy, is that that couldn't be further from the truth. No, it is not that God is using me for ministry. He is using ministry for me. He's using it to bring to the surface all of my distrust and unbelief so that He can cut it all out...completely. He's using it to wipe out all of those things that I rely on and depend on for false security, in order that I can know the one and only person who is, in fact, safe. And I couldn't be more grateful.
I mustn't ever lose sight of this truth.
Because of who you are.
One line in Henry Nouwen's article "The Spirituality of Fundraising" particulary stuck out to me tonight: "Many rich people struggle with a sense of being used."
I feel like that sometimes. Not used for my money, but for my work. And I wonder: Do people love me just because I'll listen to them? Because I'll pray for them? Or because I'll get the job done and work really hard?
And I imagine much of our world feels this way...at least much of the western world. That's why we long for relationships - for people who will love us even when our actions prove to be totally worthless.
I suppose this must be how God feels most of the time. Even as I look at my overflowing jar of thankfulness, most of my little colored pieces of paper say something like "You provided more money today" or "You gave me favor with certain people" or even "You're making me into a bolder person." But almost none of them start with "God...you are..." And I wonder how that makes him feel. Sure enough, when I see less happening around me, I forget to put my little "thank-you"s in my jar.
God, why is it so hard for me to throw the business aside and just to sit on your lap and remember that you are my Papa and I am your daughter? I want to love you for just that...all the time. Whether or not I see you working. Because that's what real love is.
I feel like that sometimes. Not used for my money, but for my work. And I wonder: Do people love me just because I'll listen to them? Because I'll pray for them? Or because I'll get the job done and work really hard?
And I imagine much of our world feels this way...at least much of the western world. That's why we long for relationships - for people who will love us even when our actions prove to be totally worthless.
I suppose this must be how God feels most of the time. Even as I look at my overflowing jar of thankfulness, most of my little colored pieces of paper say something like "You provided more money today" or "You gave me favor with certain people" or even "You're making me into a bolder person." But almost none of them start with "God...you are..." And I wonder how that makes him feel. Sure enough, when I see less happening around me, I forget to put my little "thank-you"s in my jar.
God, why is it so hard for me to throw the business aside and just to sit on your lap and remember that you are my Papa and I am your daughter? I want to love you for just that...all the time. Whether or not I see you working. Because that's what real love is.
Jehovah-Rohi?
Two years ago, I asked the question, "Is God actually the Provider?" Do I believe in Jehovah-Jireh? The thought haunted me: How can I ask God to provide me a job and believe He will when so many are out of jobs these days? When there are millions dying of starvation? And then I saw Him provide...abundantly...beyond what I could ever have hoped for. And now I'm seeing Him do it again...and again...and again. Do I believe in Jehovah-Jireh? Absolutely.
But now a second question plagues me: Do I believe in Jehovah-Rohi? The Shepherd? Sure, I believe in a God who leads you alongside peaceful waters...But what about the God who tackles bears and wolves to protect his sheep? What about God the Protector?
Where was God during the abuse that happened so long ago? Where was He when Tracey was mugged a couple weeks ago and literally beaten? Where was He when Nancy went missing on her morning run yesterday and is still yet to be found? Where is He every day when so many girls are forced into prostitution? I know theologically why. I can give a beautiful answer explaining that's there's still evil in the world and God is bringing his plan of redemption. I know that we can't let circumstances dictate who God is.
But deep down in my soul there is unbelief. And God is raising it to the surface.
30 minutes of silence in the botanical garden. Of sitting with my arms crossed and tears in my eyes with no more words left to say. And what response did I get? Just one:
"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in this world" (1 John 4:4). Papa, help me believe it. Amen.
But now a second question plagues me: Do I believe in Jehovah-Rohi? The Shepherd? Sure, I believe in a God who leads you alongside peaceful waters...But what about the God who tackles bears and wolves to protect his sheep? What about God the Protector?
Where was God during the abuse that happened so long ago? Where was He when Tracey was mugged a couple weeks ago and literally beaten? Where was He when Nancy went missing on her morning run yesterday and is still yet to be found? Where is He every day when so many girls are forced into prostitution? I know theologically why. I can give a beautiful answer explaining that's there's still evil in the world and God is bringing his plan of redemption. I know that we can't let circumstances dictate who God is.
But deep down in my soul there is unbelief. And God is raising it to the surface.
30 minutes of silence in the botanical garden. Of sitting with my arms crossed and tears in my eyes with no more words left to say. And what response did I get? Just one:
"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in this world" (1 John 4:4). Papa, help me believe it. Amen.