A question I have asked myself quite frequently these days. Not in a bitter or even mournful sense, but in a "Wow, my muscles are feeling the strain of picking up my cross daily" type way. It is almost like walking through a room of swinging punching bags, hoping to make it out in the end without too many bruises, but fully knowing that there is no other way to go.
For with every longing for healing, there is a new invitation to confess and seek forgiveness. With every desire for deeper relationships, comes a command to reconcile. With every cry for intimacy with the Father, comes a call to burn the idols. And with every prayer for a friend comes a challenge to take another risk.
Following Jesus is hard. I feel it. But I wouldn't have it any other way. For with every confession comes healing. And every hard conversation comes a deeper friendship. And with every seemingly good thing that gets ripped out of life, comes a restored connection to the only one who can truly satisfy. And with every risk, comes an incredible joy of seeing the looks on faces of those who have just sipped from the Living Water for the first time.
And so, as I go to sleep at the end of the day, I say, "Father. It's been hard. But rich. And so worth it. So thank you. Amen"
Spoken Word for Christmas
Every year I write some sort of spoken word/ poetry for Christmas. Here's what I wrote for this previous Christmas:
"He is."
Promised…
To be the founder of a nation,
To set a people free,
To receive a land to call home
To be given a king,
To see Jew and Gentile
Finally reconcile,
To have eyes opened
To see the sick healed
The poor made rich
And the hungry made full…
They wait.
Holding only to signs
Of colors in the sky
Of a fiery bush
Of a star in the East
Of a catch of fish
Of a sheet of pigs
Of the words
of a revolutionist
on a hill
about a kingdom
drawing near.
I wonder.
Can I dare to dream
Of this heaven on earth
Where friends re-unite
And Dads love their kids
Where work is something all can attain
But is never one’s bane.
Where purpose and joy
And freedom and life
Are the most prevalent words
of our time.
To hope
is a brave feat -
To willingly put yourself
In a tug – of –war
Between absolute joy
And brutal reality –
To dream of what could be
And wake up to what is
Day after day
After day.
But to know
That that yearning for more
Was actually knit into our very being
From day one
As we looked both back and ahead to
Paradise –
And that hope is not just some
wishful thinking for a
fairy tale world,
but that we are people
who have been promised.
THAT gives us courage to dream.
We have been promised…
A world
Where the sick are healed
The poor are rich
The hungry are full…
And as we join those before us
to wait…
we hold on to the greatest sign of all –
Our savior is here.
He is our hope.
He is our promise.
Jesus – let your kingdom come.
Amen.
"He is."
Promised…
To be the founder of a nation,
To set a people free,
To receive a land to call home
To be given a king,
To see Jew and Gentile
Finally reconcile,
To have eyes opened
To see the sick healed
The poor made rich
And the hungry made full…
They wait.
Holding only to signs
Of colors in the sky
Of a fiery bush
Of a star in the East
Of a catch of fish
Of a sheet of pigs
Of the words
of a revolutionist
on a hill
about a kingdom
drawing near.
I wonder.
Can I dare to dream
Of this heaven on earth
Where friends re-unite
And Dads love their kids
Where work is something all can attain
But is never one’s bane.
Where purpose and joy
And freedom and life
Are the most prevalent words
of our time.
To hope
is a brave feat -
To willingly put yourself
In a tug – of –war
Between absolute joy
And brutal reality –
To dream of what could be
And wake up to what is
Day after day
After day.
But to know
That that yearning for more
Was actually knit into our very being
From day one
As we looked both back and ahead to
Paradise –
And that hope is not just some
wishful thinking for a
fairy tale world,
but that we are people
who have been promised.
THAT gives us courage to dream.
We have been promised…
A world
Where the sick are healed
The poor are rich
The hungry are full…
And as we join those before us
to wait…
we hold on to the greatest sign of all –
Our savior is here.
He is our hope.
He is our promise.
Jesus – let your kingdom come.
Amen.
The other 10% of my thoughts:
Numbers 21: "So Moses made a snake out of bronze and attached it to a pole. Then anyone who was bitten by a snake could look at the bronze snake and be healed!"
John 3:14: "And as Moses lifted up the bronze snake on a pole in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, so that everyone who believes in him will have eternal life."
Implication: Just look at Jesus and you'll be healed.
I don't know how many times, in the midst of intense pain in the last couple of weeks, I've heard a small voice say: Worship me. Think of me. Put your eyes on me. And really, more than any drug, or mind-numbing episode of the "Office," more than any prayer or word of comfort from friends, putting my eyes on Jesus has been the most healing of all. Those moments in church, singing, You have overcome the grave, your glory fills the highest place - studying about Jesus tonight and seeing how much He yearns for people to know Him - singing I believe that you're my healer at Catalyst, closing my eyes and seeing Him stroking my back like a gentle mother and whispering It's ok baby, I've got you...just a little longer - It was in these times that I felt the most relief - the most joy - the most peace - the most healing.
Just to look at Jesus brings healing. I really believe it.
And there have been moments in the last couple of weeks where I have felt my heart burning with desire for my friends to see Jesus too - for them to be able to fall in love with Him and to experience the healing that I have. Sometimes that desire for my friends is so overwhelming that I almost cannot take it anymore. How do I show them who Jesus really is? How do I point them away from myself and to Jesus? Sometimes I literally just want to sit them all down and shake them and say "Look at Jesus! Oh, if you only knew!!! He is so wonderful. Just to look at Him will bring you healing."
Mike said that advent is a time of waiting. And that's exactly what I feel right now. Waiting. I have seen Jesus...but not fully. I have seen Him work in small conversations and prayers at work. I've seen Him bring me moments of relief and tastes of healing. But not fully. And at times, I'm given a vision of what it will be like to see Jesus in His full glory and it is the most wonderful thing in the world. But then I'm quickly brought back into the reality that the kingdom has not fully come yet. And I must wait. And pray. And yearn. And hope. It is a good place to be, I suppose. Terribly frustrating and purposeful, all at the same time.
I want to see Jesus. I want others to see Him. Emmanuel, Adonai, Father, Shalom, Prince of Peace, Hope of all the Earth - let us know you. Let us see you. So we might be totally and completely healed.
Amen.
John 3:14: "And as Moses lifted up the bronze snake on a pole in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, so that everyone who believes in him will have eternal life."
Implication: Just look at Jesus and you'll be healed.
I don't know how many times, in the midst of intense pain in the last couple of weeks, I've heard a small voice say: Worship me. Think of me. Put your eyes on me. And really, more than any drug, or mind-numbing episode of the "Office," more than any prayer or word of comfort from friends, putting my eyes on Jesus has been the most healing of all. Those moments in church, singing, You have overcome the grave, your glory fills the highest place - studying about Jesus tonight and seeing how much He yearns for people to know Him - singing I believe that you're my healer at Catalyst, closing my eyes and seeing Him stroking my back like a gentle mother and whispering It's ok baby, I've got you...just a little longer - It was in these times that I felt the most relief - the most joy - the most peace - the most healing.
Just to look at Jesus brings healing. I really believe it.
And there have been moments in the last couple of weeks where I have felt my heart burning with desire for my friends to see Jesus too - for them to be able to fall in love with Him and to experience the healing that I have. Sometimes that desire for my friends is so overwhelming that I almost cannot take it anymore. How do I show them who Jesus really is? How do I point them away from myself and to Jesus? Sometimes I literally just want to sit them all down and shake them and say "Look at Jesus! Oh, if you only knew!!! He is so wonderful. Just to look at Him will bring you healing."
Mike said that advent is a time of waiting. And that's exactly what I feel right now. Waiting. I have seen Jesus...but not fully. I have seen Him work in small conversations and prayers at work. I've seen Him bring me moments of relief and tastes of healing. But not fully. And at times, I'm given a vision of what it will be like to see Jesus in His full glory and it is the most wonderful thing in the world. But then I'm quickly brought back into the reality that the kingdom has not fully come yet. And I must wait. And pray. And yearn. And hope. It is a good place to be, I suppose. Terribly frustrating and purposeful, all at the same time.
I want to see Jesus. I want others to see Him. Emmanuel, Adonai, Father, Shalom, Prince of Peace, Hope of all the Earth - let us know you. Let us see you. So we might be totally and completely healed.
Amen.
90% of my thoughts from the last 5 days:
Jesus, I'm so tired of being in pain. Please bring me relief...It hurts. A lot. Amen.
Thanksgiving
A simple idea, I know. But oh how good and right it is to give thanks to God. So here it goes...
Dreams
At the beginning of the year, Jen Ball talked about allowing God to re-shape our imaginations and to ask Him to let us dream and hope again. A couple days ago I went out for a run and along the way I was flooded with dreams and prayers... for specific people to meet Jesus, for LaFe, for my family, for our staff team, for the students I lead, for the iTeam, for Hedrick, for UCLA, for my work...And, as my heart yearned for things that I haven't seen yet, I realized that God was allowing me to dream again - to move past the fear that these things won't happen and to pray in faith that He'll bring them about. Thank you God for dreams.
Promises
It's been a bit of a rough season - with thinking about where I might end up next year and with all of my physical problems. But in the midst of it, God has given me some promises and words that have given me so much peace when I choose to hang on to them:
And thank you for....
Dreams
At the beginning of the year, Jen Ball talked about allowing God to re-shape our imaginations and to ask Him to let us dream and hope again. A couple days ago I went out for a run and along the way I was flooded with dreams and prayers... for specific people to meet Jesus, for LaFe, for my family, for our staff team, for the students I lead, for the iTeam, for Hedrick, for UCLA, for my work...And, as my heart yearned for things that I haven't seen yet, I realized that God was allowing me to dream again - to move past the fear that these things won't happen and to pray in faith that He'll bring them about. Thank you God for dreams.
Promises
It's been a bit of a rough season - with thinking about where I might end up next year and with all of my physical problems. But in the midst of it, God has given me some promises and words that have given me so much peace when I choose to hang on to them:
- I will love you out of fear.
- Your pain is real.
- I will heal you.
- Do not be afraid.
- I will establish you in leadership.
- My love is steadfast.
- I am so for you.
And thank you for....
- my work - how great my coworkers and boss are to me, for the spiritual conversations we've had, for helping me do my work well, for providing for me financially
- family - for the trip to Oregon, for time with the family today, and the chance to go to Arizona soon
- staff team - what great friendships and support I have there
- new leadership opportunities - iTeam, LaFe, giving talks, partnering with and leading Stephen
- working out housing - bringing Kokeb as a roommate
- providing jobs for Lisa and Amy and roommate for Ingrid
- continued friendship and accountability with Kim
- 26 students at first LaFe small group, 10 students from LaFe at Fall Con
- Pastor Jimmy and Abner to support LaFe
- Eloise feeling like she belongs/ has a home
- Sunjin's gig - with 9 people! - Sunjin having life giving experience of leadership.
- Jess experiencing joy in leadership, and miracles through prayer
- continually teaching me about grace
- opportunities to choose peace over anxiety
- times with Lisa on the way to work
- growing me as a counselor, giving me wisdom in hard conversations
- breakthrough for Anna
- getting me more connected to church/ new friendships there
- Mom to take care of me when I was sick
- Sam and Adrienne- their wisdom and care for me
- chance to wake up everyday with a sense of adventure and purpose
- Heather and Tiffany's new babies
- conversations with Heather
- giving me sense of calling to campus ministry - realizing how much I wouldn't rather do anything else
- showing me that I don't have to fight to prove myself - you love me and are proud of me.
- teaching me about race/ justice/ advocating for people
Oregon Trip!
-
There are very few things that I love better in this world than spending time with my family. I got to go with Mom to Oregon, just for the weekend, but it seriously felt like a little piece of Heaven.
Some highlights:
- Hailey (4 months) and Allie (5 yrs) (took off my cousin Tiffany's facebook for lack of a camera this weekend). They're Tiffany's little girls. :)
- Lots of board games and licorice - learned a new one from David called "Bohnanza" - will teach you all sometime.
- saw Grandma. She's almost 89 years old but still relatively healthy. She's having trouble getting out sentences, which was hard to see, but she's still hanging on to God with all she's got and still lays awake at nights praying for all of us and the world.
- Aunt Mary Jo (my Dad's sister) prayed for me this morning at church during worship. I felt so incredibly loved. And when I watch her take care of my Grandma and my little cousins every day with so much grace and love and patience, I remember what it means to follow Jesus. She's one of my greatest heroes.
- Memories of Dad. When I'm with Dad's family, I feel like a part of Dad is back. And it's wonderful.
- Memories of Grandpa. We were telling stories of Grandpa in the car on the way to the airport today. Some I hadn't heard before. Apparently, when he was in his later days, there were a whole bunch of Russians at his church and he said "Well, someone's got to be able to speak with them." And so, in like 3 weeks, he picked up Russian.... We were also remembering how whenever he came home from the doctor and someone asked how his visit went, he'd respond "Oh, the doctor is doing just great. His wife is well and his kids are..." Haha. He'd forget to share how he was actually doing because he cared so much about others.
I think that, this weekend, God was making me more self aware of who I am and where I come from. On one hand, I've grown up in a very human family - with certain similar struggles and temptations. But on the other hand, I come from a long line of people that has been doused with God's grace, time and time again.
I come from a family that knows God's joy and knows His love and so, whenever we're together, those are the two things that I cannot help but feel. What a blessing!
For I am convinced...
If I wasn't convinced before, I am seriously convinced now that we have an enemy who doesn't like what we're doing on campus right now. It was very apparent in the beginning of the year - with all the schedule conflicts, bad room reservations, and other complications that seemed like attempts to thwart God's ability to move here in the lives of students. And for a time I was well aware of how much we need to mobilize people to pray.
But then I forgot. I got so caught up in the beauty of all God was doing and the rhythm of every day life that I forgot to be on the look out.
And now, in Hedrick alone, both Area Leaders and half of our Team Leaders have been struck with an awful flu which - literally - has taken us out of ministry.
A part of me feels really angered. But another part of me just wants to laugh. If this is how the enemy thinks he can stop us, it really is kinda funny. He may be able to keep us from getting time around students but he can't keep us from praying. And I know God is at work. I KNOW He's answering prayers. I've seen people's lives changing in front of my eyes. A mere flu isn't going to stop Him.
I had a really powerful dream the other night. I know some of you might think I'm crazy but I dreamat that I was visited by an angel. And he said to me "Kelly, what kind of world do you think this is?" I said "A physical one." He said, very calmly, "Naw, it's spiritual. It's very spiritual."
Moral of the story? PRAY!! If you read this, PLEASE PRAY for us. I have never been more convinced that that's what we need to do.
Romans 8:38: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
But then I forgot. I got so caught up in the beauty of all God was doing and the rhythm of every day life that I forgot to be on the look out.
And now, in Hedrick alone, both Area Leaders and half of our Team Leaders have been struck with an awful flu which - literally - has taken us out of ministry.
A part of me feels really angered. But another part of me just wants to laugh. If this is how the enemy thinks he can stop us, it really is kinda funny. He may be able to keep us from getting time around students but he can't keep us from praying. And I know God is at work. I KNOW He's answering prayers. I've seen people's lives changing in front of my eyes. A mere flu isn't going to stop Him.
I had a really powerful dream the other night. I know some of you might think I'm crazy but I dreamat that I was visited by an angel. And he said to me "Kelly, what kind of world do you think this is?" I said "A physical one." He said, very calmly, "Naw, it's spiritual. It's very spiritual."
Moral of the story? PRAY!! If you read this, PLEASE PRAY for us. I have never been more convinced that that's what we need to do.
Romans 8:38: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."